Up at the crack of dawn and home from work late. Just showing up tonight. Not saying much. Going to scrounge around the pantry. Need something easy for dinner. Then goodnight.
Today was good. I am really appreciating being sharp and clear. I feel a good tired. Not that dragged out feeling and my energy is sustained throughout the day for the most part. Did get a little witchy at a couple of points today but didn’t show it. Kept it under cover and as soon as I felt it I worked to correct it.
I’ve been here before. Why did I go back?
So many times.
God is faithful
I know this to be true because He has answered most of my prayers. At least the prayers that would serve my highest good. At times He has taken the slow road in answering some of them, but then, I guess He knows best. He knows when I’m ready to receive. As for the other prayers?
There’s this country western song I remember from the ’80’s and I don’t remember anything about the song but the line: ‘Sometimes God’s greatest gifts are the prayers that go unanswered.’ I’m real glad He didn’t answer those prayers.
‘He touched her hand, and the fever left her, and she got up and began to serve them.’ Matthew 8:15
I was given a reprieve from the desire to drink. A gift of healing. Whether it remains so will depend on what I do with it.
One of the basic tenets of A.A. is that the recovering alcoholic get involved and give of himself to help another alcoholic. This is a vital part of the recovery process. For one: it keeps the misery of alcoholism fresh in the mind. I have a fantastic ‘forgetter’. Secondly: Addiction of any sort feeds selfishness and a turning inward. And that in turn breeds more addiction. Getting over and out of oneself needs to happen for full recovery…
Any Blessings I have received are meant to be passed along. They aren’t bestowed so that I can rise up and continue on my merry self-serving way. They are meant to bring me back into the land of the living. Back or for the first time.
I’ve had an excellent start on learning what it means to serve through my faith and church community. And I’ve found that the willingness to die to myself is a daily process. Most times a struggle. Perseverance.
This is the piece that had always been missing.
His timing is perfect.
Radiant. That’s what he said.
So apparently it shows. After just 2 weeks. That was my former boss who commented on how I looked when I ran into him Sunday. wow.
I’m finally feeling a rhythm to all this. Got some great rest over the weekend. Finally. The weekend was actually the perfect balance of rest, work and pleasure.
Had a great visit with a 94-year-old friend. 94…I can’t even imagine. This woman has been there for me in some of the worst times. But she’s also been there in some of best. She’s in a nursing home now and I have had the privilege of witnessing her struggle with the inevitable; watched how she kept surrendering parts of herself to the process of aging. Over and over. How at times she’s been stubborn and unyielding and how at other times she’s surrendered with such grace and dignity.
Of the things we can not change. Of the things over which we have no control. The Serenity prayer.
I pray for this.
I was thinking of Christmas today. A little earlier than is usual for me. Not the gathering of family and friends, not visions of fabulous gifts, not beautiful Christmas trees or the comfort of a fire in the hearth or cookies. None of these things truly represent Christmas for me as I don’t have many friends in the area in which I live and most of my family lives scattered about the country. Gifting, either buying or receiving, hasn’t been especially important to me in the material sense. I don’t put up a tree and I don’t have a fireplace. And I certainly don’t bake. Or haven’t in a very long time.
I wasn’t even thinking about the true meaning of Christmas for those of us who believe.
No. I was thinking of wine. And all the fancy, delicious and expensive wine I was going to miss out on at our employee Christmas dinner. ‘But your Sober Challenge will be over! You could probably have a glass. HA! Never happen. Never has. Anxiety sets in. Good! you should be anxious with those thoughts floatin’ around your head.’
Let’s see what else I’ll miss.
I get to miss acting like a jackass…I get to miss the dullness of spirit and the lethargy of having too much….I get to miss spending lots of money because those of us who like to drink spend record amounts for alcohol around the holidays….I won’t miss the extra tons of calories….give me a minute and I assure you I’ll come up with more.
The conjuring up of these thoughts which came faster than I knew what to do with didn’t give me an urge or desire. Blessed. Thank you Lord.
But I know the time will come. I’ll need to be ready.
Thought I’d get a good night’s sleep last night. Awake every couple or so hours and finally gave up and got up at 4:30 am. As it has been the past weeks. I know that a part of it is my excitement at finally doing what I’ve known I need to for a very long time. The difference is I’ve known but now the spirit is willing. It appears the flesh is as well.
For the past few years my prayers have been to grow in my love for Him. To choose Him over the wine. And all the other the things that get between us.
Today was real lousy in terms of how I felt. I felt great during the week although tired. But today felt like last Saturday only even more intensified. And I wrote how it felt like a withdrawal. So I looked up a blog I bookmarked years ago and read through.
P.A.W.S. Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms
Very sobering read. If indeed this is what I am experiencing, I definitely need to cut my full speed ahead approach. It’s exhausting me. Tech devices do not agree with my energy field-seems to suck the life force from me. Still no cravings or desire to drink. If anything, after reading through this article my resolve has been strengthened more than ever.
The prescription I wrote myself today was permission to accomplish only the absolute necessities and to rest.
Taking a long epsom/sea salt and lavender soak was just what I needed.
4:50 am. 88 posts to go? Are ya’ kiddin’ me? No. you’re doing it. Hell or high-water as mom used to say. Every day. No excuses. OK.
Sleep is really important.
“Twenty-four hours of sleep deprivation can lead to conditions in healthy persons similar to the symptoms of schizophrenia.” University Bonn- Science Daily 7/7/14
Been hospitalized 3 times. Locked ward kind of hospital. Once at 26 after taking a few inhales of a joint laced with angel dust (didn’t know about the angel dust) which messed with my internal clock. And then again both Decembers 2009 & 2010- the aftermath of a manic episode triggered by the anti anxiety drug Lexapro (prescribed) that began in 2007. Funny. In ’07 I was able to get my sleep pattern back (with the help of my most excellent Dr.) and got to skip the fun on the ward that year.
Each hospitalization was preceded by an extended lack of sleep. In ’07 I was diagnosed with an underlying bipolar disorder. Told it was made more severe by the prescribed crap and that “it”would require a cocktail of psychotropic drugs to manage. For the rest of my life. Thanks.
But no thanks
Alcoholics can display a wide range of psychiatric disorders. A lot of the time if you take away the alcohol the disorder goes away as well.
I began this post to give myself permission to just show up -“Hi, I’m here, but I’m not posting tonight”- not to post anymore than that when I’m really tired. Bone tired. Being on the computer at night affects my sleep. The mornings are my time for prayer, exercise and daily mass. Then I go to work.
I’m sure I’ll find a rhythm. God? help. please. soon.
So for now, during the work week, I give myself permission.
Just show up.
I shouldn’t be here. I really shouldn’t. I don’t mean sitting here sober, I mean living and breathing. Should have been called home more scary times than I care to give thought to- but I will. Give lots of thought. Because it will keep my “forgetter” disabled as does posting on this blog and reading Belle and now that I’ve explored the sober community here I’ve got loads of inspiration.
The first 23 years of my drinking. 12-35 years of age. I feel a little sick even going there right now. Blackouts were normal. Driving during blackouts was too. Putting my young self in compromising and promiscuous positions got me real bad. Bouts of violence- mostly with the current boy/man in my life. Me against him. But the walls, glass table tops, anything within reach was also at risk of being smashed. I was trying to self destruct but it came out at everyone and everything around me.
Yeah, anger’s like that.
You know I have never gotten a DUI/DWI? I’ve never killed anyone either driving drunk……that I know of.
Then add in the drugs. At least they were somewhat safer in terms of purity than the street drugs available now. So my first bout with sobriety at 31 left me asking…… why?
am I still here?
Just thought I’d show up. Still here but bone tired. Today was rough but I handled things like someone else. Someone steady, calm and in control of her emotions. wow. Only got cranky and snappy once instead of what could of easily been too many times to count. Not even the interior grumbling. I was actually happy and joking with customers in the midst of chaos.
The last two weeks of official summer. In the shop, it’s a fine food frenzy for those hosting end of summer soirees…. wonder how you get that little mark that’s supposed to be above the first e. I’m fixated on trying to figure that out and it’s really not a good time. Great analogy for how I can obsess about something that doesn’t amount to squat.
Moving on… the specialty food business is as about as challenging as you can get if staying sober is the goal. I’ve been working at this shop for 6 years and managed to stay sober for the first year. Once I gave in to the alcohol call, I did continued to go to meetings but I was raising my hand every other day announcing day 1. That got old quick. Then my sponsor fired me. I lasted another year but eventually gave up. But I didn’t just go off into the sunset drinking. I knew I needed God more than ever.
He knew it too.
I’m sitting here all critical and judging of this post so I’m putting the critic to bed before she deletes it. Frustrated. Bone tired is not good for staying sober.
It’s as if there’s 10 people in my head and they see that my eyes are beginning to open. They all want their chance to be heard. Mass confusion. No raising of hands, taking turns. If I could just reach inside my brain and heart and grab it all- throw it out on a great big canvas in front of me. Seems it would much easier to sort through and put in order. All those fragmented and disjointed thoughts vying for my utmost, creating overwhelm.
I am going to try to write “morning pages” again. Used to write them but as with any other good habit it fell away. Good habits have been so hard to sustain while the bad ones seem effortless.
I shared this project with 4 friends for accountability. BFF type friends. Now I just need to make sure I am writing for me and not them. Not be afraid to say something I need to say because “what would so and so think!”. Yes I can see that happening.
Part of me wants to be clever and cute but I would rather be honest and authentic.
I’m not quite what that is.
I woke up at 4am this morning with adrenaline pumping. Drink dream. Salvador Dali like drink dream. I don’t know if I drank or not. I poured myself a seltzer and went out on my deck with a journal. I journaled for about 10 years a long time ago and one day pulled them out to read and all I read was “poor, poor, pitiful me crap”….. 10 long years worth. I think it was around journal 8 or 9 that I just ripped every one of them apart. Probably should’ve saved them for later. Possibly a few nuggets were worth saving but at the time I just didn’t have it in me to dig through the garbage.
I haven’t really written much since.
I’m keeping tonight short because I’m exhausted. Eat dinner. Go to bed. Haven’t read Belle’s blog yet today and I’m too tired to sit in front of this screen. It’s the best sober site I’ve found yet. It got me here. Here is where it all started for me.
I think wolfie’s at the door. The back door. Sneaky devil dog he is.