I shouldn’t be here. I really shouldn’t. I don’t mean sitting here sober, I mean living and breathing. Should have been called home more scary times than I care to give thought to- but I will. Give lots of thought. Because it will keep my “forgetter” disabled as does posting on this blog and reading Belle and now that I’ve explored the sober community here I’ve got loads of inspiration.
The first 19 years of my drinking. 12-31 years of age. I feel a little sick even going there right now. Blackouts were normal. Driving during blackouts was too. Putting my young self in compromising and promiscuous positions got me real bad. Bouts of violence- mostly with the current boy/man in my life. Me against him. But the walls, glass table tops, anything within reach was also at risk of being smashed. I was trying to self destruct but it came out at everyone and everything around me. Yeah, anger’s like that.
You know I have never gotten a DUI/DWI? I’ve never killed anyone either driving drunk……that I know of.
Then add in the drugs. At least they were somewhat safer in terms of purity than the street drugs available now. So my first bout with sobriety at 31 left me asking…… why?
am I still here?