I took the recyclables out a few minutes ago and I don’t remember ever not having even 1 wine or beer bottle among the other stuff. Usually it’s 3, most times it’s more. At times maybe even lots more. It’s been a lovely weekend with chores and pleasure in balance. I actually woke up this morning thinking it was Monday because time has really seemed to slow down. Definitely more in the moment.
Yesterday was a little rough but just in the sense that physically and mentally I felt all hee-bee jee-bee like. No desire to drink (so grateful for that) but just like I wanted to unzip my skin and step out of it. But this is what I don’t get- I realized that feeling was familiar just not to the degree I was feeling it and in the past, at the first hee bee I would be heading for the packie. I don’t feel deserving of any pats on the back because there were no cravings to get through- just kind of like a physical, mental and emotional withdrawal.
I have prayed my butt off for probably a good 7 or 8 years or so to have this obsession removed. No good fortune there and I just figured He was saying to me like He said to Paul-“My grace is sufficient for you“.
I feel like I’m experiencing His grace right now to be 7 days without wine and no whining. I’m also waiting for the ease of all of this to end. And if I give that thought space in my head it won’t come to any good.
Right now it’s grace.
I am surprised by the ease with which I came to day 5. Turns out it ended on Friday night. When I left work, I didn’t go directly to the package store, which by the way, is about 25 paces. Amazing. I mean this was Friday night. Actually, I didn’t have the slightest interest. Not only lack of interest but a touch of repulsion at the thought. I firmly believe what is different this time is that all week I had been reading a sober blog by an amazing woman. It was her first 30 day journey without alcohol and she blogged every day. Her posts were so matter of fact, down to earth and insightful. Raw and honest.
I could relate so well that it kept my “forgetter” from working. You know how easy it is to forget the crap, especially with regard to alcohol?
Well day 6, Saturday is here and it’s around 2pm. Suddenly some anxiety and emotions I can’t quite get a handle on are emerging. Feel like crying. Scared? Apprehensive? Buyers remorse with regard to the 100 Day Sober Challenge I signed on for? Hope not. I knew earlier in the week it wouldn’t all be as easy as it seemed now. I had set up this blog last night so I’d be good to go today. When those feelings hit me, I was running errands and just tried to distance myself from them until I could get home and write my first post. Although I’m still feeling all those emotions, posting has definitely calmed me. Going to sit with them. Try to listen.
And I promise to be kind to myself.
So….. this IS the beginning.