day 35…getting through it

 Bad news.  My dear brother’s esophageal cancer has metastasized to his lungs and liver.  Stage 4.  He’s having trouble eating and is in pain in other areas of his body.

This is where I can get real angry.  Powerfully angry.  And the risk of confiding in a bottle of wine will skyrocket if I let my anger get the upper hand.

I do not know His ways but I trust.  At least I will try very hard.

If there is anything that can make the wine look good it’s death.  I’ve lost 2 out of 5 brothers, my mom, my dad and my stepdad and various close friends. It happens to everyone; it’s called life. Everything that lives eventually dies.  But nothing seems to prepare me no matter how real I think I’m being with myself.

 Have never gone through the experience of losing family without heavily medicating myself.  Watching people I love (and sometimes those I don’t know) suffer through the end of life process feels unbearable; but I know it is-bearable- because I have.  I’ve got through it.

As a person of faith, this is where the rubber should meet the road.

Will I abandon my relationship with the Lord by acting out or will I let myself lean into Him.  Rely on Him instead.  Allow myself to enter the pain- both mine and my brother’s.

To just be there, fully present for him and for my family.  And myself.