day 18…the second why?

Why did I keep going back?  Especially in the last 4 to 5 years.  I’ve had many times in recent years when I felt clearer- not this clear, stronger- not this strong. I would usually drink my wine 3-4 days out of the week so by the 3rd or 4th day without, I would be feeling pretty good. And I’d wonder…’maybe I’ll go without tonight. This feels pretty good.’ But Friday night happened. Not out. At work after we closed the shop. And then home…. Alone. With my wine.

And the next morning, not hungover in the classic sense- I don’t get headaches or throwup- I have an iron stomach, and I always made it to work, but this lethargy. This weight- psychic sludge. And again I’d wonder why? Why do I continue to choose this when I know how good it can be.

It would always be a couple, few days to when the heaviness lifted. Any positive habits like exercise and morning prayer were interrupted. Unsustainable. Forget about creating new ones. Didn’t feel like seeing anyone. Thought they would see right through me to the dirt. Shameful dirt. And what about you God! How many times have I asked? pleaded? begged?

Have you forgot me?

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.Proverbs 26:11

 Whenever I drank, this line of scripture would roll around my brain for days after.

I was that dog.

But God has a way of turning garbage into gold. And He doesn’t forget or abandon. He said so. He promised. God doesn’t lie. And I am proof because I am living in a miracle right now.  All this time He was watching. Waiting. Showing me. Preparing me. Until the very moment He knew I was ready to receive and to choose Him.

 Because He created me for more.