day 29…

Good day today. Feeling more upbeat mood wise and more energy physically. Took a walk/run this AM before work.

Not much in the mood to write. Tired but a good tired. Dinner then a little unwind time before bed.

Feeling grateful.  Feeling good.

 

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day 28…tech stuff & surrender

Well things are improving in spite of myself and the frustration of being on this computer most of the afternoon.  Fiddling with the technicalities of this blog.  I’m not a complete idiot when it comes to tech stuff but I am by no means a techie.  I really thought I had lost everything when trying to eliminate a page.

Why bother with the help section?  Instructions?  I know what I’m doing.

Yeah. Right. Uh-huh.

Probably could have saved myself a whole lot of torment.  There’s something to be learned here.  Ask for help.  Call for help.  Search for help.  Just do something different. Why is this one so hard?  I can even search the how-to guide without ever needing to humble myself to another human by admitting ‘I don’t know’.  And yet- it appears to be beyond my thought process. Or inherent nature.  I want to do it myself.  And I will go to any length to try, no matter how much pain I create for myself, before I become willing to surrender up…..my own stubborn self.

Still felt as if I was moving through molasses this morning but getting up and out to Sunday mass seemed to be the turning point.  When I was on vacation I let my rhythm of devotional reading and prayer lapse. Didn’t even make it to Sunday’s mass.  Left that holy relationship in the lurch.  So grateful He doesn’t leave me. And that He never fails to welcome me back.

day 27…saturday blues

Woke up tired. No motivation.  Depressed. I guess it’s to be expected.

I got myself going by basically ignoring how I felt. Right foot. Now left. Right.  And so on. Ugh. Moving is supposed to change things but it didn’t.  Even went to visit 2 elderly women in a nursing home.  Nope. Still blah but at least I got out of myself and made myself useful.

Hangin’ in there.  Still free of the desire, thanks be to God.  That’s miracle enough for me.   After 21 yrs of filling my time with wine it’s unrealistic to think things would be any different in just 4 weeks without.  I do know that I will feel better eventually.

day 26… 4th Friday escape

Friday nights.  The alcohol can start pouring any night really but Friday when the shop closes is the worst. The specialty food business is much the same as the restaurant business- you work hard and then play hard. Drink hard to come down.

During the course of a day conversations often revolve around what wine or cocktail would go best with whatever is being offered up for sale. Constant parties. At the beach. On the boat. In the mansion. Day in. Day out.

In the area in which I live, there is a very clear distinction between those who work and those who play. Resentment can become a problem for me if I’m not careful. Besides being an incredibly selfish, negative and destructive emotion(?), it’s also not good for sobriety. In the last few years I’ve made a conscious effort to not only keep that nasty feeling at bay but have gone so far as to really try to be happy for those who have been blessed with more. I truly don’t think I would be staying sober had I not done the work to change my attitude.

The need to “fit in” is another area needing attention. That’s what I began to write about.  For another time….

I did manage to slip out the door without the usual questioning: “What, no cocktail tonight? You’re not drinking?”  Major sense of relief at this point.

day 25…

Back from vacation. Wonderful visit with big sis and the Captain enjoying the beauty and power of creation. Wild ocean and wind. Rain. Beaches and sunshine. Great company and home cooking.  I felt great. Alive, present and energized. No temptations, no cravings, and no desire. Not even on the ferry both going and coming.

So what’s up?

Got back Tuesday night and have been tired, slightly depressed and down and more than a little moody. I often feel depressed after a visit with my brothers and sisters because we don’t see each other very often. When our visit ends, it’s funktime for me thinking how long it will be before I see them again.  Oh no, don’t dwell on the wonderful visit- go right to the downer.

I also get a good dose of melancholia as we enter fall. Don’t pay attention to the beautiful foliage. Or the cooler temps (which I love). The great sleeping and exercise weather.  Forget about it. The future looms tall and menacing. Winter.

I’ve always looked at that half empty glass and could never enjoy it. Not if it wasn’t full.  And for 25 days now the glass has been empty.

This is what I found on what happens to the emotions:

As most would expect, mixed in with the highs are periods of emotional lows. These effects aren’t as physically urgent as the ones experienced in the first stages of withdrawal, but they can take a big toll on your newly sober psyche:

  • Anxiety & depression
  • Decreased energy & metabolism
  • Feelings of aggression or hostility
  • Declined sexual interest or function
  • Sleep disruption & nightmares

                                                     Excerpt from: What Happens When You Stop

I imagine my brain is going through major chemical adjustments so to remain kind and gentle with these emotions is my goal-  a necessary side effect of learning to live with that empty glass.

day 18…the second why?

Why did I keep going back?  Especially in the last 4 to 5 years.  I’ve had many times in recent years when I felt clearer- not this clear, stronger- not this strong. I would usually drink my wine 3-4 days out of the week so by the 3rd or 4th day without, I would be feeling pretty good. And I’d wonder…’maybe I’ll go without tonight. This feels pretty good.’ But Friday night happened. Not out. At work after we closed the shop. And then home…. Alone. With my wine.

And the next morning, not hungover in the classic sense- I don’t get headaches or throwup- I have an iron stomach, and I always made it to work, but this lethargy. This weight- psychic sludge. And again I’d wonder why? Why do I continue to choose this when I know how good it can be.

It would always be a couple, few days to when the heaviness lifted. Any positive habits like exercise and morning prayer were interrupted. Unsustainable. Forget about creating new ones. Didn’t feel like seeing anyone. Thought they would see right through me to the dirt. Shameful dirt. And what about you God! How many times have I asked? pleaded? begged?

Have you forgot me?

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.Proverbs 26:11

 Whenever I drank, this line of scripture would roll around my brain for days after.

I was that dog.

But God has a way of turning garbage into gold. And He doesn’t forget or abandon. He said so. He promised. God doesn’t lie. And I am proof because I am living in a miracle right now.  All this time He was watching. Waiting. Showing me. Preparing me. Until the very moment He knew I was ready to receive and to choose Him.

 Because He created me for more.