54 days…rebel or submit, strong or weak

Tomorrow is my birthday and my sweet sister sent me a huge, absolutely gorgeous bouquet.

I also received a most unwelcome visitor.

You see my boss usually gives me a bottle or two of fabulous, expensive red and the wine baby showed up front and center in full anticipation of this.  Taunting me.  Going back and forth between sweet talking and challenging me.

It felt strange because even though the desire to drink was there, it was very mild compared to other times.  Times where I’ve salivated at the thought.  This was not at all unmanageable but I am hoping and praying that it’s not a foreshadowing of greater temptation ahead.  I’ve had it real easy so far.

What was more noticeable and pulling me more, were the high adrenaline moments associated with “getting away with something”.  I seemed to be more taken with the thought of doing something I know I shouldn’t.  Rebellious.  It’s always been there deep down inside of me.

 I am not that person now, however the tendency is fully ingrained.  I have always defied authority and though I may not act upon it as I have in the past, that’s just me managing it.  Rebelliousness is alive and well in this woman.

Submission.

I don’t even like looking at this word.  The the roots of my dislike live in another time and I’m ready for a more affirming association.

In Judaism, the yetzer hara is the congenital inclination to do evil (rebel) while the yetzer hatov is the inclination to do good.  Which one I submit to determines whether my submission can be viewed as coming from a place of strength or weakness.

I’m glad I didn’t get the chance tonight to see which I would have chosen.                           Thanks be to God.