the blind man… and me

 This is truly a miracle.  Not the fact of making 100 days, although that is pretty amazing but even more so is the very place I stand; the desire to have wine (or any alcohol) is absent… totally.

Jesus asked the blind man, “What do you want me to do for you?”  He replied, “Lord, please let me see.”  Jesus told him “Have sight; your faith has saved you.”  The blind man immediately received his sight and followed Him, giving the glory to God.    Luke  18:41-43

I was never able to see through the glass to the truth of who I really was.  Even after 9 years sober, the glass was still in the way.

The following is an excerpt from a meditation in this months issue of Magnificat, a devotional I use in prayer.  As I read this, I feel the author has written what is in my heart.

“I never cease to be moved by the story of the man born blind.  This poor wretch looked at himself the way everyone looked at him: he was his ‘affliction’.  His was a life without hope.  There were many like him and they all looked upon themselves in the same way, according to a certain perception widespread in the Judaism of the time: they were punished physically because they were bad, impure within, sinners!

But that man, Jesus, chose him that day, and the blind man acquired his sight.  Questioned by the teachers and wise men, he answered: ‘I only know that before I couldn’t see and now I see.  I see reality, not only physical reality, but I see the truth of myself, of what I am.  I am not what you say I am.  I am what I saw shining in the gaze of that man as he looked intently at me, looked at me, the nothing I am, looked at me with friendship.’

Precisely that day, that man born blind was chosen so that the glory of Christ could shine through his change, so that others like him could also know the truth of themselves and of the world, of everything, and would be free.”

Father Julian Carron, Spanish priest and professor of theology, University of Milan

Back to the beginning of this journey:  Well….I had faith (He and I have been together a long time)…. so I asked.  Again.

But God knows when we’re ready.

Only when we’ve been sufficiently humbled are we able to receive with open hands and hearts.

And so it was for me, precisely 100 days ago, the Lord opened my eyes and began to show me who I could be. Who I was. Without the wine.  My prayer is that, just like the blind man, the glory of Christ shines through my change, and gives hope to others suffering their own “afflictions”…what ever they may be.

I give the glory to God.  This amazing gift of grace.

Image Credit: Wellcome Library, London. Wellcome Images




91 days…and then?

Nine days to go.  And then?  I can’t say that I haven’t thought about the end.  Just like anyone who sets and achieves a goal.  Then what?  It’s difficult for me to say (or think) that I will never have another glass of wine and that wasn’t my intention at the start of this.

If I do allow myself to drink in the future, it would be on social occasions only. And with my tendency toward solitude, those events happen about 3 times a year. It will never again be the daily, weekly, monthly, Friday night with the crew or all-by-myself pastime. I don’t want the habit. Period.

What is not at all difficult for me to say and what I do know with absolute certainty is that I  choose to continue doing just what I’ve been doing for the last 91 days.  I love this newfound freedom and clarity.  I never want to be enslaved again.

And 100 days will not be enough.

Grateful to be sober.  Thanks be to God.

84 days…can’t see it to name it

I have been trying for 3 days to write.

My brain is shrouded in an enormous fog bank.  Feels like something’s there- I just can’t grab hold of it.

Moody and blue.

All during the week my head wasn’t where my feet were.

Perhaps it’s setting our clocks back.  For me, this marks the true beginning of winter. Dark… Cold…  Hard…  a constant struggle.  Could be anticipation of the election looming over us and what’s to follow.  Same words, different event. Maybe it’s a bit of both.

And no wine to gladden the heart.

  No, not for this passage.  Darn good thing because I’d be drinking quite a lot of it.

 These thoughts are the fallout of a self-indulgent state of mind. I’m too wrapped up in myself.  The only chance I have to get out of this is to offer myself in service.

Time to visit the nursing home and count my blessings.

Thanks be to God.