2017’s word is Sober

May I reblog?

soberisland

I did it. I poured out the wine that I had set aside for tonight. I’m sitting on my couch and waiting for it to be late enough to go to bed. I’m good. I don’t want to go out and be in the drunkenness of whatever happens on this evening in my town, plus it’s cold and raining. I’m going to feel good tomorrow. Hopefully find a yoga class.

I have one more week of crazy busy work and I talked to my realtor and made an action plan and then I am out of here. At this point I don’t care if I have to do it by myself. (My brothers are not answering my phone calls, this time of year is hard on my family. We all have seasonal affective disorder- that’s my diagnosis anyway. )

Yay me! It felt good to pour the wine down the…

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Bone tired

Thought:  Good time to write.

So freakin’ tired but defenses come down.  Good time to write.

To re-enforce.

The commitment to myself…and most of all to Him who has saved me.

I have learned a lot since Thanksgiving, when I thought a glass or two would be ok.

I’ve learned (and as I’m writing this, my mind is saying NO!!) that a glass or two will never work for me.  Much as I’ve prayed.  Begged, actually.  Lived.

Why?

‘Why have I begged for this?

Because I have ‘been’ through tough times, ‘seen’ tough times and just don’t care to ‘feel’ anymore.

Thank you very much.

Truth:  I need to go through tough times.  I need to see tough times.

And I need it ‘all’ for me to know Him and remember that all’s ‘going’ to be all right Mama.

Just like you said.

Thanks be to Him.

PS I chose this image because my mom was ‘all’ about being tan, big hair & glasses- she was the best mom.  In spite of all the challenges. Miss her so very much. 3/29/98

Tonight is a hard night…

I have worked 10 hours a day for the last 2 weeks.  I’m tired.

I wouldn’t be so tired if who I worked for was a good business man and leader.  If I got or felt some small iota of an incentive..”Gee, thanks, great job!”

Really…  That’s all it takes.

 I work as if the business I’m working at is mine.  That’s just me.

Out of desperation, I called an old boss the other night.  Left a message on his voicemail. Said I wanted to ask him a question.

Well Ralph, it was you or Walmart.

I chose you. Walmart was never an option.  Hopefully it won’t be.

Ralph never answered the call.

God please help me to get out of retail.

I trust He will.

I really trust Him.  Because He knows I’m trying.

Thanks be to Him.

Funny (ha-ha) but sad denial stories I have told myself- Happy New Year

I’ve been in denial my whole life.  Well, not really- at first it was outright rebellion.

Then came denial.

Passing out in contact lenses- “mission control we have a problem… get contacts you can sleep in.”  Problem solved.

Really?

Don’t even think about drinking as the problem- it’s the contact lenses.

HA!

“I bet when I get my new contact lenses, I’ll drink less because I’ll be able to see better.??”

Really?  What the…

OK.

The stories we tell ourselves.  About ourselves.  About our drinking.

Just a couple of mine from my early 20’s.

WOWeeee.

Just a couple of funny but sad stories.

A Happy and Honest New Year to all my new friends.

May the Lord bless you and keep you….His.

Thanks be to God.

Photo Credit: Milky Way from Spain. Happy New Year!
Brian Tomlinson Photography: http://www.bt-photography.co.uk

let your yes be yes….#1 of 2

This post is dedicated to my sister mooseylou.

Sorry,  I’m too tired right now to go on about it… but I will.  This weekend.

When I have 3 days off.

From this grueling non-stop work.  Where I have not a minute to stop and wonder at the real meaning for me of what everyone is going crazy over.  What holiday?   Christmas?  It seems to me as nothing more than an excuse- as if anyone needs one- to go mad with self indulgence.  And be damned to anyone in the way.  Filling their  needs and rude bellies.  Holes they’re trying to fill with food and liquor.

I know the hole can only be filled by Him.

Sorry.  I said I was tired.

January 1, 1986.

That was my first long run with sobriety.  9 years. And so I thought it fitting (or very  convenient) to let it be my second  long run.  January 1, 1917.

May God Help me.

No one is guaranteed another chance.

Like all drunks, I really, really need Him.

My short run was 8/15/16 until the honesty vs popularity post.  But I know myself and haven’t wanted my yes to turn to no.  I’ve been there before when I’ve said never, ever again only to be there…..again.

When my yes to sobriety had turned to no.  And the pain and self loathing and demoralization that came with it.

Worse than what came with getting myself to say yes.

It’s real important to let your yes be yes.

And I’ve experienced the pain and destruction that come from wrestling with Him-  than before Him.

You can just leave me be from Jacob’s bad hip.  I already have one of those.

He and I have struggled before.

I’ve always lost.

And thanks be to Him.

When I am weak……

Godsend

Or the ones in front of you.

God sent to me today a repulsive man.  Dirty, unkempt, disheveled and unlovely…. according to my shameful standards.

I had seen him before- waited on him before- avoided him before.  Because I felt discomfort.  Not his, my own.

Today was different.

I had noticed in the past few times I had seen him in the store he had lost weight.  A lot. I  had also noticed he had very little hair-  and what he did have, was just growing back.

It is so easy to treat well, ‘those’ who fit our ideal.  In looks and means.  Treat them well – the ‘privileged’- as they would like to be served and in doing so, why not?  They pay our bills.  Look beyond those we judge as not worthy.

Getting past my own history of being judged as not worthy hasn’t been easily shed.; as a result, it’s easy for me to perpetuate that same sin.

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned.”    Mathew 7:1

and

“Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but fail to notice the beam in your own eye?”      Luke 6:41

 God’s spirit was with me today- actually,  I was attentive today.  He is with me always, although sadly, I am not quite as faithful.

As soon as I saw him I knew.

The Lord was giving me an opportunity to love someone.  An undesirable someone.  How did Mother Teresa do it?  Cared for all those on the streets of Calcutta?  With stinking open wounds?

OK Lord, help me to say yes.

In the midst of waiting on the ‘privileged’ I felt an urgency to let this man know that he was ‘seen’- not only seen, but belonged.  Right there.  In that fancy store.  Even though it looked like he was in the wrong place- fancy priced food and fancy looking people.

As I was cutting his cheese, I made sure to offer him samples as is the custom of our store to make sure the wheel we are offering is pleasing- cheese is a living food and can vary from wheel to wheel.

I wanted to treat him just as I would treat the guy in town that owns and keeps buying up all the property….the one who thinks he is king.  And is usually treated as such because, you know, he has the money.

I wanted to be a different person today.  I wanted to make sure this man, as so out of place as he looked- I wanted to let him know that he belonged.  Not only belonged, but had an absolute right to take a place there.

I wanted to pass along the blessing I have been given.

It’s so easy to dismiss others.  The ones that don’t fit our ideals, our needs.

I got up the nerve to question this man while I was tallying up his bill.  “You’ve lost some weight” I said. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, cancer.”

I’ve missed many opportunities in my life to serve Him. I didn’t miss this one.

Thanks be to God.

As he turned to leave, I asked him his name- I could see he was tearing up- as I do, usually when I think someone has really ‘seen’ me.

He told me his name was Kevin… wow.  I said “My brother’s name was Kevin!”

My brother Kevin died at 50.  Surrounded by empty plastic jugs. Vodka jugs.

Thank you Lord, for sending me another Kevin.

I really miss my brother.

all is not lost…just feels like it

After 100 days I thought I could.

Why?

Because at the time I thought I could.  Really?  Seriously?

Yes.

I’ve lived what I’ve written.  And still, the self-deception continues.

Amazing.  Astonishing.  Sad.

Constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself?  Yes, I am…at times.  And it happens like with most others over time when I get farther away from the beginning.

Especially when there is no bottom other than being tired of living a life of numbness.

And wanting more.

But not wanting the ‘more’ when it comes. Because usually it’s about dealing-with the ‘more’…all the stuff that’s been buried.  With wine.

I am my father’s daughter.  He would go years dry and then  binge.

Why stop now? I imagine him saying.   I’ve said the same.

Since the  Christmas Party  I have been dealing with sorrow and remorse because I squandered a gift.  A gift of grace and beauty.  Yes, He gave me a miracle and I returned the favor by… well, you could say that I might as well have spit in His face.

I wrote in an earlier post that my relationship with alcohol had changed.  And it has in the in the sense that I no longer want it as a habit.

But I know I do not have the ability to choose its place anymore.  Did I say anymore?  In reading this over I caught that.  Denial runs deep.  For the record: there was never ‘anymore’.  There was no control from day one.

I really hate all or nothing.

Praying. For His Grace. And Mercy.

Again.