honesty vs popularity

 I’m sure this post will not be found favorable among many, if not most, and I totally understand.  I get it.  But this is about being honest even when it’s not popular.

I had two glasses of wine with our Thanksgiving dinner.

I didn’t plan it but I did give it thought before we sat down and made the choice.  I had those glasses and it was enough.  I didn’t crave more and it didn’t make me want to buy a bottle the following day or give me any craving since.  I’ve not been here before.  Ever.

My relationship with alcohol has changed.  So has my relationship with myself.

However,  I won’t be marching off to happy hour.  These times will be few and rare occasions;  times of celebration, not medication.

I will remain vigilant to this and should I sense things changing, I will need to respond  immediately and appropriately;  complete abstinence once again.  “Sensing change” means having cravings and thoughts regarding drinking- thoughts about drinking to relieve fear, stress, boredom, loneliness, anxiety or to just plain cope with what life deals out.  Or having more than I intended.

I’ve found too much to go back.

I’ve been reflecting on why it was that my drinking was much worse before I first became sober…  when I started drinking again, after nine years sobriety, there was not the progression I had so often heard of in A.A .   Even though my tolerance did remain high, I didn’t drink anywhere near to the extent that I had in the past.

And how is it possible that I have been healed of the obsession after a few months?

The one thing I know is that between my family history and childhood dysfunction, my tendency toward addiction will always be in waiting should I put my relationship with Him anywhere but first place.

For those who are engaged in their own battle and watching from the sidelines:  I in no way suggest that you let me lead here.  Please do not use this for yourselves as justification.  I have a greater respect for alcohol than I have ever had and I know from my past the terrible struggle and darkness it can bring.  And I am not so arrogant as to think that I can’t end up back in the abyss.

I will continue to post.

Any success I have will be because of Him.  Any failure is on me.

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Author: Elizabeth

Living a life of unceasing prayer in gratitude to Him who saved me.

5 thoughts on “honesty vs popularity”

  1. Thanks for your honesty, Elizabeth. I am glad you’re able to enjoy a couple of glasses of wine. ; )
    I have nothing like your nine years of sobriety to fall back on, so I know that although I might be able to do this once or twice, I would then begin to subtly steer all events toward drinking. I have friends with years of sobriety that are doing exactly what you are with great success, so it is possible. And I don’t think everyone immediately falls to the road of ruin after just one drink, although that applies to a whole lot of people, probably me included. Don’t beat yourself up over what other people think. Healing is such a quirky and individual experience that it’s impossible for anyone on the outside to judge it.
    xoxo,
    Shawna

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Shawna. “I would then begin to subtly steer all events toward drinking”- that is exactly what I will be ever present to be aware of! I am not a big socializer and when I do it’s with a few very close friends who don’t drink. My downfall was with the crew after work and I have had no problem there not joining in. We’re coming up on our busiest time of the year and I look forward to having much more energy and a positive mental state to deal with the madness. Thanks for all your fantastic posts and I’ll be “seeing” you. Hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks, Elizabeth! You made my 5 am wake-up call babysitting an infant much more pleasant. It would be fun to go out to coffee with you. My dream is to somehow come across enough money to fly all of the bloggers I am familiar with to a vacation in Tahiti. See you there! ; )

        Liked by 1 person

  2. My desire has always been the ability to enjoy like a “normal” person and moderate. I am always able to do this for about three days after a sober run (however my sober run has never been over a month.) perhaps if my life was somewhat different I could do this, but for now I do not have the mental strength, but I am so happy for you!

    Like

    1. We will see what happens moosey. I don’t think I would last having it in my life everyday, every week or even monthly. And I really don’t care to- I hope this remains so. Keep trying. Don’t give up. You are in my prayers. Bear hugs to you.

      Liked by 1 person

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