all is not lost…just feels like it

After 100 days I thought I could.

Why?

Because at the time I thought I could.  Really?  Seriously?

Yes.

I’ve lived what I’ve written.  And still, the self-deception continues.

Amazing.  Astonishing.  Sad.

Constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself?  Yes, I am…at times.  And it happens like with most others over time when I get farther away from the beginning.

Especially when there is no bottom other than being tired of living a life of numbness.

And wanting more.

But not wanting the ‘more’ when it comes. Because usually it’s about dealing-with the ‘more’…all the stuff that’s been buried.  With wine.

I am my father’s daughter.  He would go years dry and then  binge.

Why stop now? I imagine him saying.   I’ve said the same.

Since the  Christmas Party  I have been dealing with sorrow and remorse because I squandered a gift.  A gift of grace and beauty.  Yes, He gave me a miracle and I returned the favor by… well, you could say that I might as well have spit in His face.

I wrote in an earlier post that my relationship with alcohol had changed.  And it has in the in the sense that I no longer want it as a habit.

But I know I do not have the ability to choose its place anymore.  Did I say anymore?  In reading this over I caught that.  Denial runs deep.  For the record: there was never ‘anymore’.  There was no control from day one.

I really hate all or nothing.

Praying. For His Grace. And Mercy.

Again.

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Author: Elizabeth

Living a life of unceasing prayer in gratitude to Him who saved me.

36 thoughts on “all is not lost…just feels like it”

  1. Oh have I been here! It’s not the end of the world even though it feels like it. 😔❤️

    But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

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      1. I think I am just beginning to grasp this incredibly powerful scripture. It’s always kind of baffled me; but it’s kind of like that star you see out of the corner of your eye in the night sky – when you turn to look right at it, it seems to disappear. So many of His precious words are like that. Feeling blessed to ‘know’ this girl undrunk- don’t you think?

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    1. Yes! And He said … “My Grace is sufficient for you”…for you …for that guy over there…and for me. Really… for me? Yes. Really. For me… whether or not I know it or am feeling it, I too am His Beloved. His power is made great in my weakness. wow.

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    1. Thank you my friend. I know He never leaves us. You and I both know we would not be here if it weren’t for His amazing grace! Let’s talk over New Years- I am flat out exhausted now and the final push is ahead. One week left- thanks be to God!! I will be able to come up for air New Years weekend. Have a Blessed and Joyful Christmas. And thank you for your inspiration! ❤

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      1. Try to enjoy the holiday, I know it is difficult when you are working so hard. Merry Christmas my dear friend! I will be off till Jan3 so lets talk! love you and am grateful you are still in my life, even when we don’t talk for years it is always like it was yesterday when we do. I treasure the bond of friendship we share
        To a Happy, Healthy
        New Year

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Laura, I’m trying. Being in retail just saps every little possible thing out of the ‘true’ meaning of Christmas. I am trying and I know talking with you will uplift and renew my spirit! Look forward to it!

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  2. I like what Laura said. He never leaves us. God did not remove the temptation from Jesus, and I don’t think He will remove it from us. I think he always provides an open door of escape if we are His children. I have decided that this is a cross to bear. My will must be surrendered. For a child of an alcoholic that is so hard. I have built a castle of control and self will for self preservation. Now you are telling me I must tear that down God? Okay. That takes time and trust. Anyway….His grace is with you always. Whatever was in you to quit for as long as you did is still in you! He didn’t take that away just because you drank or still drinking. In fact, His grace is just all the more in that moment. He will never leave you or forsake you.

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    1. We will never be free of temptation-not just in the drink but in all forms. My prayer has been and continues to be: Turn my heart from stone to flesh. Help me to know in my bones that you are all I need. His love must always be enough. As long as I look elsewhere, peace and joy will always evade me. I know this to be true. One of the few things I’m absolutely, 100% sure of. Love you mooseylou!

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  3. I think sometimes I began drinking again because I underestimated my opponent. I don’t do that anymore. In a game with alcohol, IF I CHOOSE TO PLAY, I will not only lose, I will lose big. And still, I tried to play for years. But every 100 days adds up to a gradual return to sanity. You’re not starting where you left off — you made huge strides in your 100 days of self-love. You inspired other people. And even in your falling (temporarily), your honesty has strengthened my resolve to stay strong.
    So many people dip their toe in the water (wine) during the holidays. It can serve a holy purpose by strengthening your resolve for the new year. And THANK YOU for not disappearing!
    xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. LOVE this analogy Shawna! Underestimating the opponent and being able to choose whether to play or not!! Excellent and thank you.
      I know that I didn’t loose what I gained but I’ve been dealing with issues of pride. I wanted to delete the post on ‘honesty vs popularity’ because I just felt after all I had written-after all I’ve lived- how could I go back to believe that? And I really did believe it! Probably still do somewhere deep down … but you know what? I can honestly say that after these 3 months sober, I have found something I had not found before- even after 9 years. So – all is good. Thanks be to God. I feel I have so much to say and write about but not sure I’ll be doing much until this holiday frenzy is over. Two weeks left and I’ll feel I can breath again. Specialty food. Ugh. I’m praying for a new right livelihood. Too old for this. Feeling so Blessed to have you and all these amazing people in my cyberlife…in person would be better but hey- I’ll take what I can get!
      Thank you for your wisdom and kindness. You are such a beacon of light! I used to disappear at times in my life but it was because I felt I didn’t matter. I promise not to disappear-no matter what. Thank you for letting me know how much I have mattered. ❤ and Bear Hugs.

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      1. And thanks for making my day. ; ) We all want to feel like putting our lives out there in cyberspace makes a difference.
        And by the way, if I think about it long enough, I will decide that I can have a few drinks again now and then. If I begin to wonder about it, that little seed of a thought takes hold. So for me, even toying with the idea is like putting my hands around the glass and deciding whether to take a sip. I have spent my whole life, even while not drinking, toying with the idea that there is really no reason not to have a few drinks. This is despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. It seems to go with the territory when it comes to alcohol. So don’t beat yourself up — it’s a powerful draw.
        I hope your holidays manage to go smoothly despite having an overwhelming holiday career. ; ) My daughter and her husband come to visit tonight for a week, so I will also be having to squeeze in the blog surfing.
        Take care, and know that you matter more than you will ever know.
        xoxo,
        Shawna

        Liked by 1 person

  4. You are not alone. I know I speak for more than myself when I say I can relate to your post(s). God is so good. Yes his grace is a gift. He gives us new mercy everyday. He says there may be sorrow at night but joy comes in the morning. The devil would love to steal your joy. Tell you that you are a failure. That we are lost and without hope. But you are not, we are not because we have been sealed with His Holy Spirit after we believed in Christ. Nothing can separate us from the love of God…Read Romans 8:31-39. Such a beautiful reminder. And you know what everyone has something they are dealing with ours happens to be wine🙂 God Bless❤️

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    1. Sorry I didn’t respond sooner- I still get confused by wordpress- I’m pretty new at this and still don’t find my way ‘around’ here all that easy- your post here is so incredibly beautiful and inspirational! Thank you for being there and I wish you JustSober a most Blessed and Peace filled Christmas. A big bear hug to you!

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  5. From what I have read the process of sobriety can take a long time. The doctor who I heard interviewed (John Kelly) said that eight years is the average time to reach twelve solid months of sobriety. The process leading up to that can be challenging. Two, four or even six months success then falling. But it all adds up. It shows a consistent effort towards the goal. I hope for goodness sakes it doesn’t take me eight years. I have been trying for two but never made it past five months. I have fallen so many times, mostly because I missed my self medication. I thought I could moderate but now realise that is fruitless for me. Anyway, hope this post doesn’t depress you. I don’t mean it that way. Just wanted to encourage you that you have done so well and not to be down on yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you your sweet words. I’m flat out and exhausted now, not good for trying to keep sober. I work in specialty food. Ugh. Nightmare. Won’t be around much till after the first when we come up for air. See you then! Have a wonderful Christmas and safe and sober New Years.

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    1. OMGosh.. So thank you! I need it. Couldn’t sleep and thought I’d check up on all the posts I’d missed. Thank you girl undrunk… I’ll have more time to write posts and respond after the first of the year- I’m hanging’ in. So far so good. Have a Blessed Christmas and a safe and sober and Peace filled NY! See you soon. Thanks so much for thinking of me! We
      have know idea what that means for us until it happens.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have to tell you GU that today, although I am beyond tired, your prayers were heard. Good day. Thank you Girl U.. Have a Blessed Christmas. ‘See’ you soon. Thank you for being here with me.

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  6. A slip doesn’t have to be a fall. A slip is not a relapse. Get over it and strap back in. And disperse your pity party, you’re not doing yourself any favors sweet girl

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      1. I’m sorry, didn’t mean It to sound that way. I guess I meant don’t turn it into one, sorry! And yes, within you is the sweetness that you came into the world with. Now muddied by the ugliness that life can be. Go find her and bring her back. That is our essence…to return to our sweet innocence. So yes, you are truly a sweet girl and I’m sticking with it

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      2. I know your intentions are good. But I would rather hear about your own personal experiences than expound on mine. And for the record, you really have know idea who I am.

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      3. As you wish. I was making a generalization about innocence lost as a thene, not as a judgement upon you or an interpretation of who you are. But I got the point. I’m officially off myself. Pardon

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  7. God. Does. Not. Leave.
    Ever.

    If you have prayed for His grace and His mercy, then you have received His grace and His mercy. It really is that simple, allow yourself to trust it. No matter what ‘mistakes’ you make, we have an Almighty God and He loves you.

    Liked by 1 person

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