Closing in on 1 month

No desire to drink as I near 1 month AF.

But then, my deluded thinking usually begins around the 3 month mark.  It begins with the (fake) nostalgia- then my thoughts lead to emotions;  to the sadness of missing a lover and sighing as I bemoan the fact of never seeing him again.

Maybe he would be different if I gave him another chance.  Maybe it was me.

More sadness… then excitement at the prospect. As the passion builds, the dark memories fade and all sound thinking and wisdom recede…eventually vanish into the tomb of slavery and self-deception.

dungeon

My will is rising. Getting stronger.

Why not?  I can leave him again if he hasn’t changed.  Or if I haven’t.

My thoughts have led to emotions which have led to delusion and then to an incredibly stupid action….the bottle.

Always with a very unhappy ending.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”    Romans 12:2 

In contrast to God’s will, my will usually brings sorrow and destruction.

I need to stop conforming to MY pattern in this world.  I need my mind transformed and renewed to see the wine for what it is… not the made up fantasy land in my head.

Where ever that came from.

“bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ…”    2 Corinthians 10:5

I need to take every drinking thought captive much the same as if I thought of killing someone.

Because if I don’t, then I might.

28 days and so grateful.

Thanks be to God.

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Today & Tomorrow…

“I was not sure where I was going, and I could not see what I would do when I got [there]. But you saw further and clearer than I, and you opened the seas before my ship, whose track led me across the waters to a place I had never dreamed of, and which you were even then preparing to be my rescue and my shelter and my home.”
Thomas Merton, The Seven Storey Mountain

 I’ve spent my “time out” sleeping, praying, reading and cooking healthy food.  Went to see my priest and confess the wrongs I’ve committed  that have contributed to the situation.

I’ve done whatever  I needed to do to strengthen myself in mind, body and spirit.

Took care of business.  Got caught up with my life, family and friends.  Hunkering down on the finances.  Oil change for the car.

Brought Sammy to the vet for her overdue checkup.

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Cleaned and organized my living space.  Explored work options.

Back to the grind tomorrow.  I’m ready even though I have no idea what to expect.

The only thing I’m sure of is that I am sober and can handle whatever comes my way… as long I continue to abide in Him and wait on His timing.

Keep doing the next “right” thing.

18 days.

Thanks be to God.

time out…

Again, God has let me know He has His hand on me…

I’ve never imagined that I would have peace in the center of a storm.  But this morning when I read the following, I found great comfort.  It is from my devotional the Magnificat.

In such a way that we cannot doubt that all the evils (trials) that God sends us, of whatever nature that they may be, we cannot doubt, I say, that they be very helpful to us, without suspecting God himself either of tyranny or of imprudence, without accusing him of having ideas contrary to those that a good ruler ought to have, or of lacking the insight to discern what is worthwhile for us.

How much more does it appear that it is we who deceive ourselves, who are unaware of both who is good to us and who is bad to us; who often desire everything that we ought to fear and who fear everything that we ought to desire!  It is a sign of an unbearable pride, says Saint Basil, to believe that in one’s own affairs one does not need to take anyone’s advice and that one has from oneself enough prudence to choose the best option.  But if, in the things that we regard, anyone sees better than we what is most helpful for us, what madness to think that we see it better than God himself- that God, I say, who is free from the passions that blind us, who sees into the future, who foresees the events and the effect that each cause ought to produce!

You know that the most unfortunate accidents sometimes have happy results, and that on the contrary the most favorable successes can end finally in disastrous outcomes.  It is even a rule that God keeps ordinarily enough, to attain his ends by ways completely opposed to those that human prudence habitually chooses.

Saint Claude La Colombiere,  French Jesuit priest 

After a follow-up visit with my doctor, I arrived back at the shop to drop off the note stating I was not to return to work until 1/19.  No work.  Unpaid leave.  Relief and terror both at the same time.  Relief that I wouldn’t have to be in that store for 7 days and terror at the financial picture of the past week.  I am only able to afford catastrophic health insurance.

There’s one advantage to not owning anything….”Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose.”  I love Janis.

Grateful for day 13.  My lucky Friday the 13th.

Thanks be to God.

Image:  John William Godward’s art : A Cool Retreat

the captain’s sundog…

I haven’t written in a few days… grieving is hard work.

And I ended up in the ER on Saturday afternoon.

During the worst part of the snowstorm, after talking with an old dear friend-it had been awhile and I thought- yeah, this would be a good time to take my BP.

We had laughed a lot.

Dialed 911 when I got 220/117.  I’d been monitoring it since last Thursday when the periodontist had taken it and got 195/96.

I made the mistake of asking him what it was.

 It probably shot up another 15 points when he told me.

Immediately I tried real hard to close my eyes to the fear and silently called out to Jesus.

Sweet Jesus, now you know I have no problem leaving this world and coming to live with you!  I hate this world!  But my family needs me here.  

Now.

Please don’t let me die.

OK…enough of the melodrama.

But I was exhausted, stressed and in deep grief.  Not a good combo when you need to hold it all together.

It was the day after I had gone back to work and found the 8 ft cheese case reading 65 degrees- I’m not a good one to pace myself.  Never learned.  It’s self-care.

so…..

I unloaded the cheese (8 ft is a lot of cheese), salvaged what I could and then cleaned the case.  Which never had been done other than a wipe down here and there.  I was real tired going home.

It was 9pm that night that I got the call from my sister that Captain Dave had died.

After talking to the rest of my brothers and sisters (6 of us are still here- we were 8) I tried to sleep but it never came.

So I went to work.  Then left for the Periodontist appointment.

I left his office and told my unloving, hard-nose boss that I wouldn’t see him until Monday.  Told him I needed to take care of my health.

Didn’t go over very well- I think he thinks I’m a robot, and I’m not sure how long I’ll be there.  He cut my hours down (he’s pissed I took time out),  says he needs to save money the first quarter (after making probably 125,000 in December).  Said “we all” need to make sacrifices right now (bet he still goes on vacation in February).

I’m the only one there who depends on that job for their livelihood.

Something is very wrong.

I feel it.  Like the ship’s going down (we’re in our 7th year).

My boss doesn’t know the Lord…at least from what I’ve witnessed.  Both he and his wife are lapsed Catholics.

I’m tryin’ real hard to love this man who is acting like he hates me.

“Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them.” Romans 12:14

I have His peace.  Even in the midst of the storms both inside and out.  I’m learning to trust.  I know He has something better in store for me but until then…

This is my mission field.

To live my life as an example of the faith that I profess.  And to keep loving….

In spite of it all.  Not only “in spite” of, but because of….

Because of Him who loved me first.

This story would look very different if I were not sober.

Thanks be to God.

The photo was taken right before my brother-in-law was cremated today at Mount Pleasant.  We knew and loved each other for 50 years.

Godspeed Captain Dave.

God’s response to me…

I prayed this morning.

I usually give Him the first hour of my day, every day.  But I’ve been very erratic since mid-December when the holiday insanity ramped up.

I am a person that needs structure and routine. When something happens (like life) and it’s disrupted, the first things to go are the healthy habits that keep me anchored.

It’s amazing I’m not in an asylum after the past few weeks…

then losing Dave, my brother-in-law who was so much more than that to me.

And then there’s my anger at my boss.

I’d made a great deal of progress in ‘getting over myself’ and showing him love and compassion in the 3 month sober challenge that began last August.

‘Got over myself’ in the sense that I knew God wanted me to give him the same grace that He Himself has shown me.

The Lord continues to love me in spite of my wicked self-centered self.

What I heard in prayer this morning when begging Him for help with feeling so angry, demoralized and unappreciated at work was this:

“Forgive him, for he knows not what he does.”

I wept…

then replied back to Him:

“Please forgive me Lord for I also know not what I do.”

He knows.  He loves me anyway.

I have to pass it on.

So amazingly grateful to be sober and loved by Him.

❤ ❤ ❤

Image credit: The Ocean of God’s Love, Kevin Shorter

Can’t sleep…’dry drunk’ you might say

Can’t stop thinking about my sister and her loss.  Our loss.

Everyone that new the Captain.

Trying to sleep and all that keeps going ’round in my head is loss and how much I am hating my job- mainly because of my idiot, ungrateful, lazy, sob boss.

Can’t seem to let go of all the crap in the last 3 weeks.  I keep having conversations in my head about when I walk in tomorrow I am going to ream him out-

Like:

@#$%&^*%$#@)(*$^%^&*

Use your imagination. That was mild.

Or, a new one I heard today:

“Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!”

Can’t seem to pull up the compassion for him right now.  All I feel is grief and how freakin’ short life is and how hard I work (a lot harder than than him) and how I am missing my family and everything good ’cause I’m working’ like it’s my business.  Guess what?  If it were mine, I wouldn’t be working this hard- I’d have it a tad more together.  More than a tad-  Sad thing is I know more about his business than he does.  You know, work smarter, not harder?   (boo-hoo-boo-hoo)

But you couldn’t pay me enough to stay or own it.

Enough.

Attention all pity partiers!! Now happening!! Right here!!

Another sad thing is,

I know it and I can’t seem to stop it.

And I feel like-

The edge is too close for comfort.

I do know grief is like that.

Breathe.  Let go.

I’d like to.

Please pray for me if you are so inclined.

For self control.

Trying hard to be grateful.

And not walk out tomorrow.  I do need a job.

This one for now.