This past week

So what damage can 1 bottle of wine do?

Quite a bit.  Psychologically that is.

The ambivalence toward sobriety is back.  The battle is raging inside of me.  A battle that at just 41 days had been won…by staying sober.

41 days…double minded mess

This is the kind of wreckage that sets up chronic relapsing.

When I read that having a relapse is a part of the recovery process, my brain perverts that into permission.   Twisted thinking.

Praying for surrender and peace.

1 week without the wine.

Only by His grace.

Author: Elizabeth

Happy, joyous & free. Thanks be to God.

21 thoughts on “This past week”

  1. I know exactly what you mean! I listened to a doctor discussing addiction and relapsing on a podcast, and when he said that it usually takes 8 years from the onset of actually attempting to quit to completing ONE FULL YEAR of abstinence, I saw that as a bit of a green light too. Just keep on keeping on… and have faith xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you SB. I most def will. I have not heard of this line of thinking until recently and I believe it does those of us with “twisted thinking” a disservice. Maybe it’s good for the rehab business. 😉


    2. It took about 8-10 years for me. I only heard that podcast after I had hit my bottom so I can’t relate to this. I can see how it might tempt the addicted mind. (its crafty like that) I think it takes that amount of time for it to get that bad that you are forced to quit because your life has become so chaotic. The great thing is you don’t have to wait 8 years, all that waits at the end of that is pain, misery and self-loathing. There is only one way this elevator goes and that is down. You can save yourself all the pain and misery once you accept that you are addicted and addiction leads to hell. I had to learn the hard way(wasted so many years), hopefully, you don’t have to. xxx

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Yes, yes, yes on all of that! It’s true about life becoming too chaotic and forcing our hand to quit. We run out of options. And yes, pain and misery and self hate is all that awaits us at the end of the path. It really is like being in a living hell, one where you can’t get away from yourself. Coffee you always make such powerful points. Thank you 😊 It really helps to cement why it has to be sobriety for me. Anything else leads to so much mental and physical torture it’s just unbearable xxxx

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Lent begins on Wednesday. A great time to begin afresh. Remembering the temptations of Jesus reminds me that I am not alone, he knows what I am going through.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hey Elisabeth,
    I can relate to your sadness and confusion.
    Do you think your ambivalence is because deep down you don’t think you have a problem and that you are just in a bad habit of drinking too much? Sending you lots of love. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s wholehearted rebellion- against who I am and what I need to do to. I know that with sustained time the veil will lift and the ambivalence will disappear and all parts of me will come together to once more realize my life is only enhanced-not diminished by sobriety. You raise a good question but I think it’s the reverse- deep down I know it’s much more than a bad habit- Even though one could say I am already a chronic relapser because of my life history with stopping and starting, I am viewing last August as my first serious desire to be free in 21 years. So I’ve fallen 3 times in 6 months- dangerous pattern. Praying for acceptance and surrender. Thanks for being here with me. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Oh my word Elisabeth! I’ve relapsed so many times! I know where you are coming from. 3 times in 6 months is totally OK. I’ve lost count of the amount of day one’s I’ve had. Every time you lapse you learn something new. Sometimes we need to cement this with experience. You are doing very well. Keep trying and keep writing about it explore it subject so that you can refer back to it and that helps other people too. We are all in this together. xxxx

        Liked by 3 people

      2. I have such a hard time commenting on posts about ‘relapsing’ because I spent a lifetime doing just that. I have always been of two minds, not just when it comes to alcohol. I loved your post Double-minded Mess. It describes the struggle exactly. But on the very bright side, the times I could abstain over the last five years added up to a lot of sobriety, just not continuous. I see this as success. I made a lot of sober progress and had a lot of sober healing on a lot of sober days. WE GET TO KEEP THAT! It does not go away because we drink on another day. As long as you are still trying, you are still improving and learning and gaining strength. It will happen for you, Elizabeth. I’m sure of it.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yes! I keep thinking of how much time I haven’t been drinking since last August. It adds up- but I do know it’s the sustained sobriety which will give me recovery and growth. Thank you for your sweet words of support, sister! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Funny – I was just planning my next podcast on relapse and I was going to talk about the one phrase that drives me bonkers – “relapse is part of recovery”. It isn’t. Relapse is part of the illness! And I think the danger in people saying that relapse is part of recovery is exactly what you said – it twists your mind into some sort of permission to pick up again.

    Sobriety will lose its “shine” at some point. The newness of it will dissipate. The transition between the shininess of it and integrating it into life is uncomfortable. Boring even. But that is no reason to waver. In my first few months, I was white knuckling it, going to a million meetings, praying, meditating, journaling…doing everything I could to not get back to the bottle. And one day it just all clicked – I went to bed one day without thinking of a drink. It takes time for our brains to get used to a new habit. Keep at it. Examine the things which want you to pick up in the first place. Fears, resentments, anxiety, uncomfort, etc. Those are the things which want us to pick up. Fight for your new way of life!

    Liked by 4 people

  5. This is from Merry and Bright … and Sober’s book analysis of The Naked Mind, and it made me think of you:

    “And the secret to spontaneous sobriety has everything to do with reconciling the internal conflict caused by your desire to quit drinking and your fear of missing out.”

    Liked by 2 people

  6. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do………. James 1: 5-8

    The rod to recovery is long, winding, and difficult. It ascends a high mountain, the mountain of sobriety. While the journey is difficult, there view from the top is magnificent.

    Being double minded is human nature. We want to have our cake and eat it too. We want sobriety but we miss the numbness that alcohol brings. We must admit that it is not a battle but a war. A battle last for a few days or a few weeks but a war last for years. We must have an eternal view. We must take the long haul perspective. Sobriety is a war that we will wage the rest of our lives. We have to fight the good fight.

    Yes, addiction is a chronic relapsing disease; but, knowing the definition of addiction does not provide an excuse to relapse. It does provide a reason to re-engage in treatment if you do relapse. So, avoid being “double minded”. Use the wisdom God has given you to not doubt. Do not doubt what? Do not doubt that you can do this.

    If you do relapse, pick yourself up and re-engage. Do not fall for the AVE. AVE stands for Abstinence Violation Effect. This is the addictive thinking which tells you that if you “slip” or “relapse” you are a failure, you cannot stay sober and you might as well give up and be a drunk.

    Addiction is sometimes brought under control after one attempt. Sometimes it takes many attempts. Remember the guy who said: “It is easy to stop smoking, after all, I’ve done it a thousand times.” If it were easy to stop drinking or drugging there would be few addicts. The journey you are undertaking is a difficult one but it is one that leads to life. Do not doubt. You can do this. It will not be easy; but, you can do it.

    God Bless.

    Liked by 1 person

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