march madness

Not talking basketball here.

I am certifiably crazy in March.  Every freakin’ March.  I can handle January and February but by March I am nuts.

And that is when I have a steady job and my teeth aren’t falling out of my head and blah..blah..blah.

So, since my divorce and stints on the psych ward in 2009 and 2010, I’ve had a 6 year reprieve.  Now the crapola hits the fan.  Started over Christmas.  And continues.

Struggling with thoughts.  With emotions.  Struggling with Him.

Just plain struggling.

To drink.  Or not to.

Doesn’t seem to make a difference….

But I know better.

It does.  It makes all the difference.

Not drinking is the key.  To get through all the mud and molasses.

And come out better on the “other side”.

Lent.

I feel as if I’m faced with a lifetime of failure.

But I know that is the dark side speaking to me in my time of weakness.

It’s all self-centered bullshit.

Pardon me, but there is no other word right for it.

Looking forward to the light.

Grateful.  Yes, grateful. To be sober.

In spite of myself.

Thanks be to God.

Advertisements

Author: Elizabeth

Living a life of unceasing prayer in gratitude to Him who saved me.

23 thoughts on “march madness”

  1. What is it with March? I am feeling blown around by March winds myself. And I don’t know why. There is no reason why, it’s just kind of a doldrumy down feeling. And confusion.
    I’ll get through this, I know, but I bargained for a perfect life when not drinking. ; )
    I’ll hang in if you will.
    Praying for you!
    xoxo
    Shawna

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hoping and praying things get better for you Elizabeth! I think this entire year has just been weird. I stay optimistic myself, but there is no question in my mind that it’s been a BLAH year so far. One of my biggest triggers was bad relationships (always falling in love), and I have done very well avoiding that- but there is something about being in love that always made me feel so alive and I think that might be my problem. Missing the highs of love and the pain of heartaches. Sounds crazy now that I said it. 😉 Hang in there!!! xoxox

    Liked by 1 person

    1. OMGosh- I know exactly what you mean! Although since my divorce, I have to say I have no desire. Not sure if that’s healthy or not. On the one hand it could be very healthy to not be afraid to be alone- on the other if it’s fear of getting hurt- well that’s got to go! There is a definite high associated with falling in love. That is exactly why it’s so dangerous. Our Lord’s love is never dangerous. But, sadly I usually don’t love that way. Thank you Janet. I’m treading through. We can’t always remain on the mountaintop can we?

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Elisabeth, I have found that mindfulness exercises really help me when I start going a bit loopy. (last months could feel me going into a deep spiral took about 2 weeks of concerted effort) Give it a try, not a lot of crazy can survive in the present moment. It’s usually the past of future that sends us into despair, regret or worry.Hope its lifts for you. xxx

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yes, staying in the moment is key…and the issue at hand. Frustrating and humbling. I keep thinking I should be “farther down the path” – I know these things! The knowledge needs to get from my head into my heart. Into my bones. I’ve been there before- what happened???? Thank you for you! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for nine years. Medicated I probably suffered less but felt like a zombie so decided to slowly wean myself off. I definitely ‘feel’ more now without meds. But last November when I read Dr Joe Dispenza’s book on the placebo effect it had a massive impact on me. I started practicing what he preached. I can honestly say that the past four months have been the best in years. Last week I had a bad week and thought for a while that I had gone back to that dark and dreary place. But I kept up with the work I needed to do on my thoughts and sure enough it passed. It all starts with those damn thoughts. It won’t happen overnight but I can see already that it is starting to work. I am re programming my thought life~~! The depressed mind wants to remind me of my worst days, dark holes, it wants to back up the negative thoughts with equally negative memories associated with them. It is an easy path to follow but one that I am working hard at overcoming. I pray that you find a place of clarity and peace where you will know what is happening and be able to take the steps to heal yourself. For at the end of the day it is only us that can do it. Nobody can do it for us.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. As you know from my posts, I believe in the One Great Healer. I do believe meds can be useful although I believe way too often overused. Your posts have been so fantastic regarding Dr. Dispenza! Yes, our thoughts are really the gateway to freedom- or hell. Our thoughts will set our will and our free will can set our thoughts. My family can attest to the astonishing results of where I was (labeled bi-polar) to where I am now- free from that- not that it was an easy road. But because of it, I have a faith- even though at times it may not seem so. I have been a “seeker” of truth my whole life but there has been nothing to lead me to believe as I believe now- my past 6 years since my divorce-when I truly sought Him. I believe that He provides every situation and experience that we need. We are all deeply loved and where we are meant to be.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I hit the send button too soon. I am sooo very happy for you that you could pull yourself out and that you are in a good place. I cherish reading your comments and wish we were neighbors! Would love to have a cup of coffee (or 2) with you girl!

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s