taking a break….

Only from posting. Not sobriety.

I need to do some writing that is not appropriate for Withoutthewhine.

I will, however, continue to keep up with all you wonderful and supportive people.  You have given me strength…strength I didn’t know I had.

I have had some revelations in the last few days which I need to deeply explore.  All good but complex which leave me elated but confused…

Quite a bit of work comes with acknowledging addiction.

Mine has to do with “self” which became very confused as a young child.  As much work as I have done on myself (which is part of the problem..because it perpetuates the self) … the letting go, dying to, and moving on to an “other-oriented” form of relating has not come easy.

I’ve tried.

I’ve known what it should look like.

It just never came.

And I continued to blame myself.  Never cut myself a break. Relentless beatings.

I think I am finally discovering compassion  for myself.  The self pity is absent (for now). Thank God.

I would like to feel a connection (compassion) for those in front of me.  I would like to enter with them into who they are.  Their life, their experiences, their pain.

Not feel I am separate, apart from, below or above them.

Just one among them.

We all have terrible struggles. I am no different.

Pain.

 Why pain? I don’t know except that most of my life that is what I’ve experienced.

And it’s not so bad. Really. It has brought me be closer to Him.

One example I can give you is I have always been very private, unless I thought I knew you-and that was a very selective process on my part-one in many cases I was wrong-  so emotionally I would end up giving you details you shouldn’t be privy to.  I would put up walls with everyone else, even before I knew what was happening.  I’ve missed out.  How many people I’ve perceived as unworthy of me….or who I falsely perceived, in probably many cases, thought I was unworthy of them.

I’ve always thought I just couldn’t handle being with people for an extended period of time.

What I realized today is that my walls were draining me.  Are draining me.  It takes much more energy to hold back the connection than it does to let it flow.

I am afraid to let it flow- that is what I need explore.

When I can finally come to realize His love for me is insurmountable…even in this moment- just as I am with all my imperfections and flaws….only then in my coming to terms with this will I have the ability to pass it along.

Real love is a choice. Not an emotion. The willingness to set yourself aside to be fully present to another.

You can’t give what you haven’t received.

Please Lord, please help me receive.

And more important- help me to give to it away.

To find the balance.

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Author: Elizabeth

Living a life of unceasing prayer in gratitude to Him who saved me.

25 thoughts on “taking a break….”

  1. When people first meet me they think I am an extrovert. I can be very outgoing and loud. But I am an introvert. My strength comes from finding time alone, not surrounded by people. In fact if I spend too much time with people it wears me out and I feel totally depleted. Maybe that is why I left the sober blogging world. I don’t know! After a while I get lonely, come out of my hole and start searching for fellowship all over again. It took me years to realise that. Years of saying ‘yes’ when I really meant ‘no’. Some people find introverts hard to understand. They want to try and change them, bring them out of their shell. If only they realised that we need that shell to survive!!
    Take time out, listen to what is being said in your heart and feed and nourish your soul.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Hug. Take care. I am still learning this. It is the journey of life.
    My path is that of yoga, but Brene Browns book the gifts of imperfection started me on the way to unconditional self acceptance. It is worth reading.

    Take care and come back when you feel inclined!

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I look forward (one day) to hearing how this progressed. Now that you have your intention, it should be amazing! I am kind of at the same point. I’m struggling with the ego’s hold on me, and relinquishing it is not going as planned. I actually flew home from a retreat because I wasn’t comfortable with the focus on “connecting.” I’m not sure what to try next.
    I will continue to pray for your journey, sister. ; )
    Love,
    Shawna

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh sister! I am not disappearing-and feel free if you ever want to contact me- I do have a contact page. Our culture is so anti- community and so obsessed with privacy- very confusing. Please don’t feel at a loss because you flew home. What is impossible for us is possible with the Lord. And He (She, It, whatever) knows this about us- it is a journey and if we could only stop the judging of ourselves it would probably go much faster! It’s so weird the way this world is set up- all our judging and unforgiveness against others just come back against us- but you know, as long as you know that and have the intention of love in your heart than you (and me) can let go and get on with it! I am the worst! When I can laugh at that, then I know I’m on my way. Somedays are easier than others- UGH- 3 steps forward, 1 (or 4!) back. You just keep being the amazing, inspiring soul you are, because-you are! Your writing is amazing. Thank you for your prayers Shawna. PS- I think the secret of defeating the ego is to just thank it for the “thoughts” and let them move on- We can’t control our brains and the judgements they tell us but we can control our responses. One of my favorite sayings-Don’t believe everything you think! PPS- You know, I think I learned all this at least 20 yrs ago- sometimes it takes some time to “sink” in to our soul! ❤

      Liked by 3 people

  4. Elizabeth, I am sorry for the delay in replying. I have read and reread your response over the last few days, and it resonated me to the extent that it entirely changed my attitude about what had been going on with the erratic emotions and judgements and anger I was suddenly having. It was so confusing, after I thought I had been on track. Your advice of love and forgiveness (and humor) has made all the difference in my connection with myself and my higher power. It literally changed my thinking completely.
    You most certainly have a gift, sister.
    I will write more to you offline when I am finally back home. ; )
    XOXO!!

    Liked by 1 person

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