ghostlines

There are marks that leave their legacy on our life.

We can grow and outgrow, improve ourselves and even be healed to the extent that we provide for our families and contribute to our communities….thanks be to God, but…

the ghostlines remain.

The unseen patterns and lines etched into the canvas of our souls are there.  Our changes in behavior and thought may remove the black lines, however,

the original marks will forever be there.

Indentations that, sometimes loudly, sometimes almost without perception, call us to not forget….

from where we have come.

I was born and raised in a farming community.  When I turned 12 tender years of age, that community was forever changed by IBM.  It became a bedroom community for those commuting from the great city of N.Y.

And along with all the sophistication and knowledge came the judgement on those who had made their simple home there for the years gone by.

We were the “uncultured”; the folks that didn’t matter much.

We weren’t in their circle.

Deemed the “lesser” folk.

My best friend had moved away and my parents were divorced.  My mother worked.

Hard.

We were left alone.  I was alone. Left to ourselves.  Left to myself.

In retrospect, we were feral children.

That’s what we were.

At the time, all I felt was freedom; the times were the late sixties.

What I felt at the time was not what I thought.

It wasn’t freedom.

It was fear.  It was pain.

Unprotected.

And lost.

I’ve come far beyond those pain filled times, however the deep seated feeling that I’m somehow less than, remains still…..even now.

Those are some of my ghostlines-  I know them for what they are.

I know they are ghosts….

but

they still and will always have power over me if I allow them.

I’ve had a couple of restarts since my last post.  Something happens when I address my sober time as counting days, weeks, months and years… it always has.

I fall.

Time is a funny thing for me in sobriety.

I pray that with time, I’ll have the ability to celebrate mile markers with everyone else…

for now-

I was sober yesterday, I am sober today and by the grace of God, I’ll be sober tomorrow.

 

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Author: Elizabeth

Living a life of unceasing prayer in gratitude to Him who saved me.

21 thoughts on “ghostlines”

  1. Self sabotage is a complicated thing.
    I felt very similar. I used to count Mondays. Monday’s were hell when I was drinking…so every time I got to a another sober Monday I patted myself on the back.

    Somehow years went by.

    Big hug. You can take care of yourself…the young you who needs love and care. You can provide that. It really does change everything.

    Stillness and peace
    Anne

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you Wendy- I’ve missed your last couple of posts (along with everyone else’s)- I’ve been staying off the computer and enjoying nature. I need to catch up! Hugs and more hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve tried a number of times to reply on your blog. To you personally and to others- for whatever reason my replies disappear and I get no response from you? Just a tad confused here. I can only guess this is “blocking”?

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I had been trying to comment through the reader on your last 2 posts. The other blog site was the same. The posts just disappear. So last night I went directly to her site and the post was successful so I went to your site directly and the same thing happened- I comment and after I hit “send” or “post comment” it just vanishes! Weird stuff on WP I guess. So relieved to know you didn’t block me! I just didn’t know what to make of it-

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That is really odd yes. No I won’t block you, I’ve never blocked anyone thankfully 🙂 perhaps your browser needs an update? You can contact WordPress support they should be able to investigate it for you. Xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. A-men. Really dig your prose. I think it’s a good meditation, not just on that ODAAT life, on life at large. Really, what do we have beside this moment? What is history but a chronicling of older moments, and the future will have it’s future moments. But, isn’t all the moments the same. It’s here, now. The quieter I get, the more it feels like that never changes. That here and now, meditative stillness.

    I’ve been thinking about time a lot. You’ve got me going! Thank you. I’m going to write about this. This post is inspirational!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Beautiful and so true. The more I read these blog, the more I think we all feel less than, regardless of the circumstances. It just seems to matter by degree. I struggle with it now, but less than when I was drinking consistently. And I took decades to join the date counters, but I really believe that all of those sober days numbering in the 1’s and 2’s and one week, or even several months all count as sobriety. I benefited enormously from those days of not drinking, REGARDLESS of whether or not I drank the next day. I have years of sobriety, just not continuous. It still counts.
    Love to you. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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