I am trying something new.
I truly believe that anonymity is over rated. Especially these days. And especially for me.
And I know that it (or how I’ve used it) has kept me from recovery. In a huge way. There is something about speaking the truth. As long as I held back this information, it kept me from fully accepting this aspect of myself. I was using anonymity. A lack of integrity.
Integrity: having moral or ethical convictions and doing the right thing in all circumstances, even if no one is watching you. Having integrity means you are true to yourself and would do nothing that demeans or dishonors you.
Now that doesn’t mean I have left all discretion to the wind (I wouldn’t tell a prospective employer- at least not in the interview) but I’ve been examining my own tendencies and reasons for “hiding” my alcoholism. My main and most cherished excuse from fully accepting who I am and to remain anonymous- what will they think?
Only a small part. Tiny part as compared to the real reason.
Even in friendships where I knew I would not be judged I withheld.
The unwillingness to fully commit myself to sobriety. Bet you more savvy folks knew that was coming. I wanted a back door. Just in case. Guess what else? These were also friendships in which the other may drink but have no issues. You know. They can take it or leave it. But I wanted to reserve the right to take it when we were together and none of the discomfort of having outed myself. Oh- I take it back. I’m not really…you know…. I’m ok now. HA! Busted.
If I wish to have a sober life for whatever time I have remaining in this world then it is time to drop the facade. Time to own it. Time to come out. And really, at this point, I’m not so sure I really give a crap about what others think of me…. a benefit of wisdom or as in my case, age.
Certain things become less important as one grows older… and old. And other things, things we never much cared or thought about become like gold.
By His power and Grace @ 6 weeks.