the look of it.

I am sharing this amazing post because BNW captures to perfection the hellish, brutal and vicious cycle of the active alcoholic.  And I’m also sharing for a selfish reason- so I might have quick access should the insanity begin to whisper to me once again.

 

brittanybare

I originally wrote the following in Spring 2016. It’s been sitting as a draft ever since, though I’ve returned to it from time to time…like someone studying the pages of an old photo album. As I settle into my second year of sobriety, it’s become more and more difficult to remember what it looked like – the inside of the struggle and how it all felt. This piece serves as a witness to that history.


[2016]

What am I so afraid of? What is it that I fear? What is so grotesquely difficult about being alone with my thoughts sans booze? I’ve read enough to know my drinking has something to do with fear (what fucking fear?! what is it, already!?!) But right now, my biggest fear is that I’ve crossed some invisible line and no longer maintain control over the urge to stop at the store on my way…

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5 months solid

Tomorrow I will hit the 5 month mark.

It’s been relatively easy as my grand finale is still fresh in memory.  I drive by the cheese shop on my way home and see the lights on in the back room knowing the gang are all kickin’ back at closing time.  With cocktails of course.  And then there’s the liquor shop right next door to them.  No chance of running out.

The mental gymnastics I go through in that 2 second drive by are remarkable.

It looks cozy and inviting.  The camaraderie.  The bliss of checking out.

But it’s all fake.

One big illusion.  Take away the alcohol and it’s gone. All that’s left is the aftermath. The self-destruction parading itself as a good time.  What the…?  It seemed so real.

Maybe next time will be different.

Those 6 words have kept me enslaved to alcohol for 50 years.  Yes, I’ve had periods of sobriety but I’ve fallen over and over and over…..all because of that innocent sounding statement.

And it is only by the Grace of the good Lord that I am still here.

Most nights as I pass the shop, I see my thoughts for what they are and smile.  The yetzer hara  attempting to have its way with me.

Sorry, you best move on.  Ain’t going to happen.

But driving home from work Saturday night I got hit bad as I passed the shop.

I prayed.  Real hard.

And then the image came.  The 4 day binge.

  Repulsion replaced the craving.

Thanks be to God.