Tomorrow I will hit the 5 month mark.
It’s been relatively easy as my grand finale is still fresh in memory. I drive by the cheese shop on my way home and see the lights on in the back room knowing the gang are all kickin’ back at closing time. With cocktails of course. And then there’s the liquor shop right next door to them. No chance of running out.
The mental gymnastics I go through in that 2 second drive by are remarkable.
It looks cozy and inviting. The camaraderie. The bliss of checking out.
But it’s all fake.
One big illusion. Take away the alcohol and it’s gone. All that’s left is the aftermath. The self-destruction parading itself as a good time. What the…? It seemed so real.
Maybe next time will be different.
Those 6 words have kept me enslaved to alcohol for 50 years. Yes, I’ve had periods of sobriety but I’ve fallen over and over and over…..all because of that innocent sounding statement.
And it is only by the Grace of the good Lord that I am still here.
Most nights as I pass the shop, I see my thoughts for what they are and smile. The yetzer hara attempting to have its way with me.
Sorry, you best move on. Ain’t going to happen.
But driving home from work Saturday night I got hit bad as I passed the shop.
I prayed. Real hard.
And then the image came. The 4 day binge.
Repulsion replaced the craving.
Thanks be to God.
Without the whine 
I wish I knew more about your grand finale… we’ve been blogging friends for a long time. Congrats on your 5 months.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you SI! Basically I went to work drunk (a first). Two days in a row. A case of wine in 4 days (a first). Round the clock drinking (a first). Three strikes and you’re out. Prior to that, my binges were usually a bottle or two a day- 3 or 4 days a week except holiday time when it became daily. And as I didn’t get hangovers, I never missed work. I let ’em down at the shop because we were short staffed and it happened on Friday and Saturday, the busiest days of the week. My father would stay dry for periods, sometimes years and then binge for a week or two. I guess between my pride (work ethic) and seeing myself turn into my father, it hit me where it hurt the most. I had sunk as low as I wanted to go. But the real miracle is the Lord’s intervention and my willingness to listen- how my life totally changed in the month after. At some point I probably should write about the minutia of it all-it’ll be a good post to write should the memory begin to fade. Is this what you were looking for?
LikeLiked by 2 people
Wow. I suppose. I knew you didn’t like your job at the cheese shop… that sounds dreadful. Take care
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, well… the “dreadful” turned out to be a blessing. Because of it I”m sober and have a better job with a healthy environment. But it could all go away with a “next time”. Take care too.
LikeLiked by 3 people
You guys are funny!
I agree that there is the illusion of camaraderie out there when it comes to drinking. It’s sold to the public for what it is: a social lubricant. But for people like us, it is deadly. So glad you turned to prayer!
LikeLiked by 4 people
So happy you were able to get past the craving.
I find that i need to always think though the end of my drinking, to remember where I do not want to go.
It is an illusion. Real connection comes with sharing life with another person, not with alcohol.
Big Hugs on your 5 Months!!
xoxo
Wendy
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Wendy!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so glad you went through the cravings. 5 months is great Elizabeth, well done. It’s so not worth going back to that illusion – stay in the now and stay real, real can be hard but at least it is real. Hugs and strength xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
You know it wasn’t really a “craving” physically as much as the mental bickering and back and forth trying to justify another chance at it. The drinking side of me at war with the sober me. The wicked witch of the west sending out her flying monkeys!! ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes I know that battle all too well. I’m finding that remarkably absent at the moment though so keep going, it does get easier with more time. Hugs x
LikeLiked by 1 person
Congratulations on 5 months Elizabeth! That’s so awesome, I’m so proud of you. I have to remind myself of how bad it was whenever I have those feelings of “missing out” or not being part of the group. You’re doing great.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you!! And many more thanks for your support shehid!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome 🙂
LikeLike
This was nice to read and I hope you are still hanging in there. I get tiny moments but I have enough gross memories to keep me in check too. ❤❤❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am Janet! In spite of myself. 🙂 Thanks be to God.
LikeLike
Yay!! Praise God!
LikeLiked by 1 person