Six months of sobriety.
Thank you very much! Thank you! (Big bow) Thank you everyone. (Another big bow) Now… if you’ll just excuse me. I have somewhere I need to be. Where?
Actually, anywhere but here.
Sitting here, trying to get myself to write is tortuous.
While I’m truly grateful and glad to be sober, I have been feeling emotionally unsettled and upended. Heavy. Lead weight heavy. And my mind is making up all sorts of excuses for the feelings. Trying to keep me distracted. Keep me from going deeper.
Familiar feelings I’ve never been able to name. And they’re in my way. They get in my way of fully connecting with another human. I’m turned inward. It takes an immense effort to look at the face and eyes of the person I’m in conversation with and I find my eyes and mind flitting about- up, down, left and right.
I don’t want to be “seen” by the other.
Now that I’m home there are a multitude of tasks and chores needing to get done but I can’t quite gather the direction either in mind or body to accomplish any of them.
So I walk out the door.
I keep walking. Walking and searching. Trying to observe without the usual judgement. Sobriety has given me the ability to be kind with myself.
I realize I’m trying to make friends with me. The wee one inside of me.
The hashtag me too.
I know I’m far from alone here. It seems as if every woman has a #metoo story to tell. Some even have a few. More than a few.
I’ve done much inner work and healing around these issues but still…. those ghostlines remain. They are calling to me for attention. Not to drag me back but to serve in pushing me forward. To call them out; not drink them away.
Where I thought I had made peace, I’ll make a stronger peace. Where I thought I had forgiven, I’ll forgive again.
And He will turn this heart of stone to one of flesh.
Sustaining my sobriety depends on it.