Looking Back @ 1 Year WTW…almost

1 month from today, pray to God, I’ll have 1 solid year of sobriety.  It’s hard to believe but then…it’s not.  It’s been a battle hard-won.  Twenty-two years of head banging, inner conflict and torment.  Knowing the truth.  Trying to deny it. Work around it. Trick it.  Ignore it.

Anything but face it.

The powerlessness.  The unmanageability of my life although most of the time, I put on a pretty good show.

The wreckage.

The withering of my soul.

Oh yeah, there have been times when the blinders came off and moments where the truth sunk in- even a spirit of willingness.  Usually after a humiliation.  But the willingness came more from an attempt to redeem myself; in my own eyes as well as for those around me- a bargaining chip- an action originating in pride to soften the sting of idiocy.

The willingness was for the wrong reasons.

But now…everything has changed.

I have not had even one day of taking this sobriety for granted and I’m still in awe that I truly am a new creation.

Thanks be to God.

I’ve had an aversion to all things electronically social these past 3 or 4 months.  Kind of like I overdosed. So, I’m unsure as to how long I will continue posting here on WTW.   While I do enjoy and derive great satisfaction from the finished product when I post, it’s a long and arduous process.  Perfectionism makes it way too time consuming.

But I don’t want to just disappear. I’ve spent most of my life doing just that and it’s a pattern of old behavior that needs to go.  And it leaves me feeling unsettled when others do the same.

While I suffer deeply for connection, it’s the thing I have always feared the most.

I used to love the A.A. saying “Live and let live”.  Most selfish people do.  We take it to mean “Ask  nothing of me and I’ll ask nothing of you”.  Perfect.

That’s not what it means.

Thank you to all my fellow bloggers (you know who you are) who have seen me through to this amazing point because while I give the glory to the Lord for my sobriety, He sent you, His angels, to me.

 

 

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Author: Elizabeth

Living a life of unceasing prayer in gratitude to Him who saved me.

19 thoughts on “Looking Back @ 1 Year WTW…almost”

  1. Yay, Elizabeth! This is such a powerful post, and it really struck me. First, by how you described having willingness, but for the wrong reasons. I get that completely now that you pointed it out. “A bargaining chip” — how perfect! It makes me realize why I couldn’t sustain those attempts early on. I also understand completely the tendency to disappear. I’ve had to give up MAJORLY on anything close to perfection to keep myself posting. It’s like waiting to take a good photo. It just ain’t gonna happen.

    You would be hugely missed if you disappear. You’ve been a wonderful support and sober companion to me, and I’m dead set on meeting you one day, so if I have to track you down, I will!

    One of your wayward angels,

    Shawna 💕

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Shawna. We are most definitely kindred spirits! And we absolutely need to meet. I don’t travel too much anymore but if you are ever in or near CT, please let me know! I’ll probably continue to post sporadically- just wanted to relieve myself of the internal pressure to write. It kills my creativity. Love you sister!! <3<3<3

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand exactly what you mean about blogging. Does this mean you will continue to write but just not post it? I hope so. 🙂

        And yes, CT is highly doable. Sooner or later, I’ll be up in that area. I so look forward to it! And I’m sure we’ll hear from you on your ONE YEAR SUPER PARTY!

        Thanks for being my sister. 💕

        Liked by 1 person

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