Today I am 3…!

And not looking back.

Well… except for the occasional review of history.  The present moment sometimes requires that re-assessment for optimal growth.  It’s called a searching and fearless moral inventory.  The 4th Step.  I’ve done many and will continue to do so.  Too often pointing the finger only leaves us stuck in our own muck and mire. But I am so weary-  oh so freakin’ weary, of making the same mistakes.

You see, I’ve been a slow learner.  An extremely, painfully slow learner.  Maybe the lessons that I’ve been needing to learn over the past 10 years have been strongholds-  iron hard lessons about character and personality.  They need to be confronted with a raw and brutal honesty.  Blindspots- named such for good reason.  Most times it takes an epiphany or breakthrough to reveal them.

And when they are finally revealed, seeing these behaviors and issues in ourselves can be incredibly painful.

But if we hang in there and continue the trek, peace will be found around the corner from there.

I think I’m finally up for it.

Lord, please help me to be up for this.

Now that I’m typing, I’m not sure how much I’m ready to reveal regarding the exact nature of this stronghold.

What I will say is that it’s all about emotional control.  Emotional sobriety.  Emotional intelligence.  Also known as EQ.

And my incredible lack of.

It’s also about maintaining sobriety vs being alcohol free.  Now being AF all by itself is a huge accomplishment.  But growth and change and true freedom all require work.  Heavy lifting on the psyche.  Without the emotional control that needs to be cultivated in sobriety,  things can get pretty ugly.

The term is dry drunk.

 I believe that is exactly what I’ve been experiencing for the past year.  Since last spring when the chaos began.  A chain of events, probably around 8 or 9, separate and unrelated events occurred in my life over the course of about 3 weeks, give or take.  I’ve not gone to AA meetings this time around but I began attending daily mass.  Last spring I stopped attending due to one of these “events”.   Had to do with another parishioner.  A male parishioner.  I’ve had traumatic events happen in my past that have centered around men.  I also grew up with a violent, morose, alcoholic father.  Until I was 8 or 9 anyway.  Enough time to leave it’s mark.

Let’s just say I have issues.

With men and with boundaries.  The boundaries could apply to everyone, not just men. Actually, I’m going to re-phrase:  I have had issues but I am healing and becoming healthier in both those respects.  I am changing.  Actually, God is changing me.  This is way bigger than me.

Can I hear an Amen?

‘Cause it’s been damn hard work.  Damn hard emotional work, lemme tell ya.  But I’m determined.  Where there’s a will there’s a way.

So I’m owning it.  Or rather, I’m going deeper.  I’ve owned it my whole life.  Thank God, I found a wonderful therapist and I’ve been “let go” from my job….. nice way of saying I was fired.  But it’s been an absolute blessing in disguise.  I handled myself with grace and integrity; much different than I would have even 2 months ago.  It’s given me time.  Time that I’m using wisely and productively.  Clearing, cleaning and organizing.  Both in mind, body, soul and environment.

I am becoming my own best friend.

This pandemic has triggered such deep stuff in me.  Things from childhood that I thought were gone.  It’s the layers of an onion analogy.  I wrote a post about the scars left behind a little over 3 years ago.  Not long after, I hit my final bottom.  Pray to God it was my final.  I take nothing for granted.  Especially my sobriety.  I had 11 years sober at 40 years of age and went out again.  It took me 22 years to get back.

So while I’m not looking behind me, sometimes a review is necessary….and that’s ok.

Thanks be to God.

And every one of you. 🙏

Author: Elizabeth

Happy, joyous & free. Thanks be to God.

23 thoughts on “Today I am 3…!”

  1. Congrats on 3 Elizabeth! No matter what, not taking a drink in 3 years is HUGE. I still love being single and am afraid I always will… but it is what it is. I’ll take sober and single over drunk and heart broken any day. I’ve missed you and glad I’m catching up here. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Janet, thank you! Yes, I’m with you…sober and single beats the other. And it was the ending of a relationship that triggered me to drink again all those years ago. I’ll be around more…..I’ve misssed you as well, my friend.💜

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It sounds to me like you are doing all of the right things. Emotional change is such hard work. It’s so wonderful that you have remained alcohol free – even if your head and heart have not always been where you want them to be – this year. Congratulations! Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Huge congratulations on 3 years Elizabeth. You are an inspiration. Becoming sober was my first step onto a path of a much longer journey for me. This isn’t just about not drinking alcohol, this is about being really happy with myself and feeling inner peace and calm on a daily basis. I am not there by any means but I know that’s what I am aiming for. You are fabulous. 💜❤️💕

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  4. Sending you love, appreciation and admiration. We’ve all got something, don’t we–wounds that leave us broken and beaten down, and running away or toward something/someone else. Although alcohol is not among my issues, I have plenty others–most days are a struggle, and if I didn’t have an intimate relationship with “the God who sees, loves, saves, redeems, restores, heals–and provides for us daily”, I’d be sunk! May the Lord bless you so Abundantly, beyond measure, each and every day ❤ Rhen

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Amen! Thank you for your kind and loving words, hope and encouragement. I can feel your love and faith coming through this. I’m with you…if I didn’t have the Lord, I most likely wouldn’t be alive. May you also continue to be blessed and an awesome and loving messenger. Thank you so much for stopping by! 🙏

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      1. You’re so welcome, Elizabeth–and thank you for your blessing, and calling me a “loving messenger”. I do feel called to be a “Barnabas”–“Encourager”…and it’s only through my faith that I can manage. I enjoy “being of use” to God in some way, but I certainly can’t do it in my own strength–fortunately, all through history God has used people’s weaknesses to display the power of His Holy Spirit. I strive to be genuine-authentic, and my writing is a mix of humor, faith, and shadowed pain. I am so very glad to meet you here, truly–I suspect you have much wisdom to share–and I will visit again. I’m “older”–with health issues and time/energy constraints, so don’t take it personally if I’m not a daily reader 🙂 I see that you know Janet–she’s a delight to me, and our bond is growing. Blessings to you–take good care ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh, no worries as far as not being a daily reader! I’m not a daily writer or reader! I much prefer communing with God’s creation/creatures (with fur)😂. . I will “visit” you as well… so glad we’ve met. And yes, Janet is an absolute delight!🙏

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  5. wowowowow congratulations on 3 years !!! As everyone has said already this is huge! and yes, emotional change can take time. Keep doing what you’re doing, sounds like you’re doing it right ! xxx Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh my goodness, three years is amazing!! 💛💛💛 Heartfelt congrats Elizabeth, and thanks for sharing. So inspiring. It isn’t always rosy, but it is worthwhile isn’t it. Yes that fourth step is major, needs to be worked all the time!! xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So very worth it. Absolutely! I’ve begun to explore ACA (adult children of alcoholics) and strongly feel this has been the missing piece for me. I so identify with the traits they list…also known as the “Laundry List”.

      Liked by 1 person

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