And not looking back.
Well… except for the occasional review of history. The present moment sometimes requires that re-assessment for optimal growth. It’s called a searching and fearless moral inventory. The 4th Step. I’ve done many and will continue to do so. Too often pointing the finger only leaves us stuck in our own muck and mire. But I am so weary- oh so freakin’ weary, of making the same mistakes.
You see, I’ve been a slow learner. An extremely, painfully slow learner. Maybe the lessons that I’ve been needing to learn over the past 10 years have been strongholds- iron hard lessons about character and personality. They need to be confronted with a raw and brutal honesty. Blindspots- named such for good reason. Most times it takes an epiphany or breakthrough to reveal them.
And when they are finally revealed, seeing these behaviors and issues in ourselves can be incredibly painful.
But true freedom is just around the corner from here.
I think I’m finally up for it. Lord, please help me to be up for this.
Now that I’m typing, I’m not sure I’m ready to reveal the exact circumstances of this stronghold…. that’s also something I’ve struggled with. How much to reveal? Vulnerability. The difference between honesty and privacy.
What I will say is that it is all about emotional control. Emotional sobriety. Emotional intelligence… EQ
Or lack of.
It’s also about maintaining sobriety vs being alcohol free. Now being AF all by itself is a huge accomplishment. But growth and change and true freedom all require work. Heavy lifting on the psyche. Without the emotional control that comes with being sober, things can get pretty ugly. Fast.
The term is dry drunk.
And I believe that is exactly what I’ve been experiencing for the past year. Since last spring when the chaos began. A chain of events, probably around 8 or 9, separate and unrelated events occurred in my life over the course of about 3 weeks, give or take. I’ve not gone to AA meetings this time around but I began attending daily mass. Last spring I stopped attending due to one of these “events”. Had to do with another parishioner. A male parishioner. I’ve had traumatic events happen in my past that have centered around men. I also grew up with a violent, morose, alcoholic father. Until I was 8 or 9 anyway. Enough time to leave it’s mark.
Let’s just say I have issues.
With men and with boundaries. The boundaries could apply to everyone, not just men. Actually, I’m going to re-phrase: I have had issues. Because I am healing and becoming healthier in both those respects. I am changing.
Can I hear an Amen?
‘Cause it’s been damn hard work. Damn hard emotional work, lemme tell ya. But I’m determined. Where there’s a will there’s a way.
So I’m owning it. Or rather, I’m going deeper. I’ve owned it my whole life. Thank God, I found a fantastic therapist and I’ve been “let go” from my job….. nice way of saying I was fired. But it’s been an absolute blessing in disguise. I handled myself with grace and integrity; much different than I would have even 2 months ago. It’s given me time. Time that I’m using wisely and productively. Clearing, cleaning and organizing. Both in mind, body, soul and environment.
I am becoming my own best friend.
This pandemic has triggered such deep stuff in me. Things from childhood that I thought were gone. It’s the layers of an onion analogy. I wrote a post about the scars left behind a little over 3 years ago. Not long after, I hit my final bottom. Pray to God it was my final. I take nothing for granted. Especially my sobriety. I had 11 years sober at 40 years of age and went out again. It took me 22 years to get back.
So while I’m not looking behind me, sometimes a review is necessary….and that’s ok.
Thanks be to God. And every one of you. 🙏