about face

30 days.

Of rigorous honesty and soul searching.  With myself and those close to me.

Of sobriety.

It’s a new beginning.  And an ending.

Blessings in disguise.

With each passing day, I am more and more relieved to be done at the cheese shop.  Not proud of the exit but it was a much-needed and overdue humbling.  It has brought me to the place where I can say without a doubt that alcohol no longer has any place in my life.

Worth the price.  The shame.  The humiliation.

Leaving behind the walk-in full of alcohol.  The liquor store next door.

The constant references to alcohol as in “What wine would go with this cheese?”.

The Friday and  Saturday happy hours before closing.

Being the punching bag for the owner’s frustrations.

It was all worth it.

I have been working part-time since the start of April at a natural food store.  Worked there as a buyer and wellness consultant for 11 years prior to the cheese shop.  Last week the owner called me in to the office and asked if I would be interested in a full-time position.

It feels like I’ve come home.

Only He can turn the garbage into gold.

 

a cringeworthy surrender

Saturday June 17, 2017

I arrived to work at the shop and was told to leave.

Monday June 19, 2017

I arrived to work….  and was “terminated”.

Tuesday June 20, 2017

I left it all behind me.

For however long the Lord sees fit to give me life.

I’m finally ready to own up to it.  To write about it.

That case of wine in just 4 days….my first binge.

And my last.

It will be my last only if I can change my constitution.  From what the Big Book describes as being “constitutionally incapable” of being honest with myself to one of raw and brutal, face to face look in the mirror truth-seeking.

And God’s grace.  Although I must be runnin’ low in that account.

The following is an excerpt from one of my earlier posts…one that has almost ended up in the trash countless times because of the denial embedded within it.  I’m glad I saved it- so I can contemplate my own BS as difficult as it is to read through.

“I’ve been reflecting on why it was that my drinking was much worse before I first became sober…  when I started drinking again, after nine years sobriety, there was not the progression I had so often heard of in A.A .   Even though my tolerance did remain high, I didn’t drink anywhere near to the extent that I had in the past.”

Yeah well.

The progression has arrived and it’s apparently made up for lost time.  One of my many “yets” has become my reality.

I really couldn’t believe the total and absolute loss of control.

I do now.

It’s over.  I surrender.

It’s true.

 It takes what it takes….and then some.

dear neighbor

You don’t know me.

I don’t know you but I know who you are.  You dated a friend of mine a while back and I witnessed the happy pics of you on Facebook when you were together.  They were pics of when you were dancing at the old hotel in town.

You looked beautiful.

I could tell that you were a drinker because, well, it takes one to know one;  but it wasn’t obvious.

I know things didn’t work out and you are in the same situation you were before, which wasn’t good or healthy.  I’m sorry and I so want to reach out to you.  Things…relationships, work, life in general….everything can be different.

You are in my prayers and if our paths cross again and you are sober I have promised the Lord that I would offer my hand.

In the meantime, I thank you.

You began to enter the cheese shop but stopped short.  No, the package store is next door….you realized it but not before my glimpse of you left me dumbstruck.

It was about 5 o’clock “happy hour”…

You looked as if you just got out of bed.  I couldn’t tell if your cheek was black and blue or if it was a last-minute smear of blush to try to look “presentable”.  You had a smile on your face that didn’t match your appearance.  It was more of a grin divorced from reality.

It broke my heart.

I know you won’t remember coming out for more.

I’m truly sorry…..

but

I have gained from your misery.

You have unknowingly made me stronger….

your face is etched sadly and forever in my mind.

There but for the grace of God go I.