Only from posting. Not sobriety.
I need to do some writing that is not appropriate for Withoutthewhine.
I will, however, continue to keep up with all you wonderful and supportive people. You have given me strength…strength I didn’t know I had.
I have had some revelations in the last few days which I need to deeply explore. All good but complex which leave me elated but confused…
Quite a bit of work comes with acknowledging addiction.
Mine has to do with “self” which became very confused as a young child. As much work as I have done on myself (which is part of the problem..because it perpetuates the self) … the letting go, dying to, and moving on to an “other-oriented” form of relating has not come easy.
I’ve known what it should look like.
It just never came.
And I continued to blame myself. Never cut myself a break. Relentless beatings.
I think I am finally discovering compassion for myself. The self pity is absent (for now). Thank God.
I would like to feel a connection (compassion) for those in front of me. I would like to enter with them into who they are. Their life, their experiences, their pain.
Not feel I am separate, apart from, below or above them.
Just one among them.
We all have terrible struggles. I am no different.
Why pain? I don’t know except that most of my life that is what I’ve experienced.
And it’s not so bad. Really. It has brought me be closer to Him.
One example I can give you is I have always been very private, unless I thought I knew you-and that was a very selective process on my part-one in many cases I was wrong- so emotionally I would end up giving you details you shouldn’t be privy to. I would put up walls with everyone else, even before I knew what was happening. I’ve missed out. How many people I’ve perceived as unworthy of me….or who I falsely perceived, in probably many cases, thought I was unworthy of them.
I’ve always thought I just couldn’t handle being with people for an extended period of time.
What I realized today is that my walls were draining me. Are draining me. It takes much more energy to hold back the connection than it does to let it flow.
I am afraid to let it flow- that is what I need explore.
When I can finally come to realize His love for me is insurmountable…even in this moment- just as I am with all my imperfections and flaws….only then in my coming to terms with this will I have the ability to pass it along.
Real love is a choice. Not an emotion. The willingness to set yourself aside to be fully present to another.
You can’t give what you haven’t received.
Please Lord, please help me receive.
And more important- help me to give to it away.
To find the balance.