Today I am 3…!

And not looking back.

Well… except for the occasional review of history.  The present moment sometimes requires that re-assessment for optimal growth.  It’s called a searching and fearless moral inventory.  The 4th Step.  I’ve done many and will continue to do so.  Too often pointing the finger only leaves us stuck in our own muck and mire. But I am so weary-  oh so freakin’ weary, of making the same mistakes.

You see, I’ve been a slow learner.  An extremely, painfully slow learner.  Maybe the lessons that I’ve been needing to learn over the past 10 years have been strongholds-  iron hard lessons about character and personality.  They need to be confronted with a raw and brutal honesty.  Blindspots- named such for good reason.  Most times it takes an epiphany or breakthrough to reveal them.

And when they are finally revealed, seeing these behaviors and issues in ourselves can be incredibly painful.

But if we hang in there and continue the trek, peace will be found around the corner from there.

I think I’m finally up for it.

Lord, please help me to be up for this.

Now that I’m typing, I’m not sure how much I’m ready to reveal regarding the exact nature of this stronghold.

What I will say is that it’s all about emotional control.  Emotional sobriety.  Emotional intelligence.  Also known as EQ.

And my incredible lack of.

It’s also about maintaining sobriety vs being alcohol free.  Now being AF all by itself is a huge accomplishment.  But growth and change and true freedom all require work.  Heavy lifting on the psyche.  Without the emotional control that needs to be cultivated in sobriety,  things can get pretty ugly.

The term is dry drunk.

 I believe that is exactly what I’ve been experiencing for the past year.  Since last spring when the chaos began.  A chain of events, probably around 8 or 9, separate and unrelated events occurred in my life over the course of about 3 weeks, give or take.  I’ve not gone to AA meetings this time around but I began attending daily mass.  Last spring I stopped attending due to one of these “events”.   Had to do with another parishioner.  A male parishioner.  I’ve had traumatic events happen in my past that have centered around men.  I also grew up with a violent, morose, alcoholic father.  Until I was 8 or 9 anyway.  Enough time to leave it’s mark.

Let’s just say I have issues.

With men and with boundaries.  The boundaries could apply to everyone, not just men. Actually, I’m going to re-phrase:  I have had issues but I am healing and becoming healthier in both those respects.  I am changing.  Actually, God is changing me.  This is way bigger than me.

Can I hear an Amen?

‘Cause it’s been damn hard work.  Damn hard emotional work, lemme tell ya.  But I’m determined.  Where there’s a will there’s a way.

So I’m owning it.  Or rather, I’m going deeper.  I’ve owned it my whole life.  Thank God, I found a wonderful therapist and I’ve been “let go” from my job….. nice way of saying I was fired.  But it’s been an absolute blessing in disguise.  I handled myself with grace and integrity; much different than I would have even 2 months ago.  It’s given me time.  Time that I’m using wisely and productively.  Clearing, cleaning and organizing.  Both in mind, body, soul and environment.

I am becoming my own best friend.

This pandemic has triggered such deep stuff in me.  Things from childhood that I thought were gone.  It’s the layers of an onion analogy.  I wrote a post about the scars left behind a little over 3 years ago.  Not long after, I hit my final bottom.  Pray to God it was my final.  I take nothing for granted.  Especially my sobriety.  I had 11 years sober at 40 years of age and went out again.  It took me 22 years to get back.

So while I’m not looking behind me, sometimes a review is necessary….and that’s ok.

Thanks be to God.

And every one of you. 🙏

Finding Our Way Back

“The way home every single time is this:

After my worst failure, after I am convinced this time I have gone too far and destroyed too much, I must believe who God says I am.

I am not defined by my erratic behaviors but by something so much deeper, infinitely strong and constant.  I am a new creature.

When I find myself risking to trust this way of seeing, the power of the lie begins to vanish and that increasing confidence in who I really am becomes the bedrock that will break my shame and addiction so I get to live free for the rest of my life.”

…….Traylor Levvorn

Although this quote from the film “The Heart of Man” relates to sexual addiction, all addiction stems from the same misguided attempts to make ourselves whole.

I’m coming up on 3 years of sobriety.  In spite of the recent upheavals and emotional pain in my life, all of which many are experiencing at this time,  I still remain with no desire to drink or medicate myself.  Thanks be to God.

Haven’t been around as ya’ll know…. I’ve been on an extended self-directed retreat of solitude.  I am blessed to be able to afford myself this opportunity.

Ending this with one more quote from the same film.  William Paul Young, author of The Shack, is the author of this one. 

See you next time I come up for air. 

“We have no idea about the truth of our beings.  We do not know how relentless this affection is that will pursue us, wrap itself around our brokenness and sing us into healing.

We matter.

Every single one of us matters and the choices we make matter.

Every choice to forgive, to be kind, to be authentic, to open up our inside worlds to tell our secrets-  these things change the cosmos- not just inside you, but inside this whole created universe in which we dwell

Who you are matters and who you’re becoming matters.

You’re the one He left the 99 to go and find.”

With much love and prayers to all of you amazing warriors.

And thank you…. I wouldn’t be sober without all your love and support.

🙏❤️🙏

Image Credit:

“IMG_6587” by {studiobeerhorst}-bbmarie is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0